I'm sitting here worried, threats of services being cut off. My fear turns into a vision. Then my cat growls. Is she in my head? She walks over to me and glares at me. I immediately tell her I'm sorry and pet her. Did she feel or see my vision? Today is stressful I have to make some calls and see if I can make some deals and keep the lights on around here.
April 22nd (Bad night sleep and bad dreams)
What do I want? The continuing development of me.
I had to see what I wanted. Since I never really did what I wanted to do for the most part.
First, I need to be in a home that is minimal and is smaller than this. It's my home base, where everything starts and end from. I never really was a homebody and my mother knew it. I'm an adventure. I'm a person that wants to experience new things and new people. So my next house has to be someplace I recharge and regroup. I will entertain but only in small groups, no big parties.
Second, I want to restart the business fully. I know at this point in my life I need an executive assistant that's my clean-up person and keeps me on point. I have to be financed, and maybe the move helps me get that. Who knows. I never really fit in the labor market ever since I made the choice to work for me after the dot-com bubble ended in 2002 when I graduated from Robert Morris University. So I have to continue on the road I set for myself.
Third, I need to travel, I cook Asian, Greek, Italian and other cultures foods from recipes but have never been there to experience the authentic culture. It's been a wish to experience things and meet people. This half of my life has to be that thing. Anything short of that, I won't be happy.
Now for those of you that I deal with in the civic space, this doesn't mean I just drop everything a leave everything alone. There are fights I won't stop fighting, clean air, water, equality and transportation. The latter because I have a bucket list that I put to the side to ride every excursion train ride in the world. I love trains since I was a kid and I want to do that. We are always going to have to deal with all of that. I just don't know what part it will be until I finish with everything else.
I'm just at the point of understanding what I want to do. Things aren't set in stone like where do I want to be. This is an open-ended question. It depends on my business and what resources I can get, is this the place for me to be? It will speak to me as I do it.
The story continues.
My Future
I understand the question my mother asked me weeks before she passed. She asked me what I wanted to do. I didn't have an answer for her, because I never planned for myself. I only thought of taking care of her, I thought I would be years doing this, not just two.
So when she passed, the plans I had were if she was still here. Fix up the house, make a garden out of the side yard. Things didn't work out. Job issues, health issues, fighting through the process of probate and other things to keep me above water.
March 22nd, I walk into the emergency room at Cook County Hospital, laboring, stopping every so often to rest before I continued from the bus stop. I spent six days in the hospital getting the fluid that I had been carrying for a long time. During the time when I was taking care of both my mother and granny. Just moving along despite my own issues. Now coming out of the hospital. I'm diagnosed as having heart failure, as my heart was only working at 35 percent of normal when evaluated.
Now I'm here April 15th 2025, and I realized I'm still not living my life. No job, the business no producing money, and I'm behind on everything. I had to ask myself this morning, I'm I living MY LIFE!? The answer is no.
So what is my life. I had to ask myself. I've worked to help others so long that I don't know what it is to live for myself.
One, my house isn't a place I want to be in all the time. While I was taking care of my mother, she would always notice when I got tired of being in the house and suggest I go somewhere. Most of the time I would go to local wrestling shows like CSW, AAW and other local shows. Have fun and come home. I got an AMC movie pass from a family friend, and it started for a while me picking a day to go to the movies. There are other things I would like to do, but the money became a barrier to going.
Two, I'm a traveler, I like to go places and experience things. Even with in the city. It's the reason I made a group on Facebook, "Let's Go Eat" It was supposed to be restaurant suggestions where we would plan to meet and have fun over a meal. Didn't work out that way, it's just me and my best friend Dawud posting recipes we see on social media. When I was younger, I did road trips. We would go visit someone in another city. The rules were you took us out to eat, no chain restaurants. You had to take us to something local. Those were fun times. I would love to travel more and see more. Since I've been on Rednote I want to travel to Asian countries and see everything in person. Would love to go to Europe and Africa. I'm a train fanatic. I've seen some great train rides in Canada and a few in South America I would love to experience. So you see if I owned a home it would just be home base when I'm not out and about.
Three, I've always been about meeting and experiencing new people. It helps you grow as a person and gives you better perspective. So traveling would satisfy this.
So what does that say to what I'm doing now. Well, this house is like that movie Moneypit. The longer I live here, the more that goes on. This house is old and way too large for me. I would be happy with a smaller, easier to maintain home. Right now, I can't move to do that because of everything I'm dealing with. I feel like I need an executive assistant most days. So I might look to sell, but in the deal I'd have to be found a smaller home to move into. I refuse to live the apartment life. I did it for a short time and didn't like it. So, I want to be a homeowner.
I'm in the right field. IT would allow me to be able to move around. When I get the business funded. I have a plan to allow me to be able to move around but have my business to where my clients are always taken care of. (don't want to give out secrets on what I'm going to do)
So I'm looking at ways to get out of this pit. I'm working with my resources and I'm going to make the best decision for me.
Time to take this reset and run with it.
I've never been the person who puts my life out there as it happens, and sometimes I don't speak about it afterward. I had to say something about this. Some of you know I haven't been well for quite some time, and I've been battling issue after issue.
Well, Saturday March 22nd while I was on my way to a CSW (local pro wrestling) Show with my friend Dawud I was feeling my worse but I went along just trying to make it through. We took public transportation to the venue. As we are getting off the 303 pace bus at 25th and Pacific Ave. We started our 2 block walk and I knew there was a problem. I had to stop every 1/2 block to rest. Not a few seconds but at least 2-3 minutes. I felt like my heart was working too hard and I had to stop. I made it to the venue and dealt with standing up in line. When we got in I got to sit down.
I was good I made it and I was enjoying the show. About 2/3rd of the way through my legs started swelling and I felt uncomfortable in the chair. Usually at this point I would get up and move around but it was a packed house, not much room to move. So I just sat there moving around in the chair just making it through.
The show was over even though I was uncomfortable I still enjoyed the show. I told Dawud how I felt and he called a Uber to get us back to his house where I was going to stay the night and go home in the morning.
After a few driver changes we got our guy and we were on our way to his apartment. I got in the car easy but it was a hard time getting out. I took my time to get to his second floor apartment. I crashed out in the reclining chair. Dawud got me a blanket, we talked a little before he went into his room and I went to sleep.
In the morning I'm still not feeling good and wondering about my bus ride home. I thought since I'm getting on the 126 Jackson bus and the weekend route stops at Stroger Hospital, should I just get off there and go to the ER. I had been to South Shore twice already but I was a Cook County Hospital patient and I know they would be more aggressive on getting me well. So I talked to Dawud about it. Like normal Dawud always listens and doesn't really interrupt me with advise. He knows I'm just talking it out and I needed him as someone who would listen. Then I got to a point where I was starting to talk about things I had to do, saying I probably don't need to stop.
Suddenly Dawud looked at me and hollered STOP! He knew it was time to give his advise. At first I looked strange at him but I listened as he said stop making excuses and go. I agreed, got myself together and got on the 126 at Central and Jackson.
On the ride there I started worrying about how I was going to feed the cat of I had to stay. What I was going to do about other business that I had to attend to. I got off at Harrison and Ogden to walk to the ER. It was a 5-7 minute walk as I had to stop every so often.
I got to the counter, they got me in a wheelchair, then asked me what was wrong. After our conversation I was wheeled in to get a EKG, after I was called up to the triage nurse then I had blood drawn. While I was getting blood drawn they called me to the back. I ended up in RED 23 ( I felt that was kinda lucky later on)
They took great care of me doing the tests that needed to be done. Working to get the excess fluid off my body. Trying to determine if this excess fluid has caused any heart damage. Because of the excess fluid I couldn't take a CT scan. I couldn't lay down flat.
So they got me a room and continued to work on my fluid levels. Cardio came up to see me and told me the plans to check my heart and lungs for damage or blockage. I started to worry about how I was going to take care of Adora. She needs to be fed. I reach out to several people, in the end Dawud and Rita were going to help me with that. On top of that something happened that my wood door wasn't closed so Dawud was going to close that after he fed Adora.
I was happy that it was done and I though at this point I might be out by Monday or Tuesday but that wasn't in the plans. The doctors were concerned about the amount of fluid that I had and wanted to make sure they got off all they could before the procedure. On Tuesday they moved me from the 8th floor to cardio on the 4th floor to be closer to the specialist working with me.
I was starting to feel lonely and I was missing Adora. When Dawud went to my house I had him put up my Wyze cams that were charging so I can see Adora and talk to here. The first time she heard me and ran to the camera and meowed and meowed. It made me feel bad I wasn't there. In the mist of feeling this way I got a visit from Mark Lowe the pastor of my church. I reached out to him and several other close people to let them know where i was. I didn't expect to see him. I was surprised and happy that someone came to see me. He was right on time cause I was considering telling the doctors I had to go. Since Mark came I decided to stay. The visit gave me energy to continue.
This wasn't the last visitor. As I was sitting and watching TV the next day here comes Ms Wells and Ms Edwards. Ms Edwards had been getting on me at church about taking care of myself and said she will do a walk by and make sure I'm good. I was so happy to see them. One of my doctors came in while they were there and told me of the plans. As she was telling me the risks I got scared. Both Ms Wells and Ms Edwards encouraging me to do what I needed to do (I told the doctor they where my aunt so they can stay) :) I did need them there, you remember I talk myself out of stuff. So I agreed and signed the consents.
Since this story is going long I'll save what happened in the procedure for another post. It was interesting.
After the procedure they said everything is clear. no damage, no blockages. I was happy about that and that they used my neck and wrist and not my groin. The later would have been a longer recovery time.
So now that it was done. My cardio doctors can now figure out what meds I needed to continue. I spent one more night, my choice before I went home.
Now that I'm here I feel different. Its something I have to get use to. I've never felt like this before. I've come to realize that I was doing things to compensate for what was going on. I was holding my breath at times while I was doing things. I have no clue why. Its something that I'm trying to break the habit from doing. So if you see me someplace and it looks like I might be holding my breath remind me to breath. Usually when I'm doing something, climbing stairs, walking up and incline, I did it this morning while washing dishes. Weird. I feel totally different. When I first got home I though I needed to rest. I need to take it easy but I need to move so my body gets use to feeling like this. I have to resist the thought that I don't feel normal. This was a reset. This is normal and I have to keep this.
While I was in my room the morning of the procedure I did a video titled "Get out of my own way. Its on my YouTube channel right now. I talked about how much I get in my own way. I'm going to stop this because its the only reason I am where I am. It was no one else's fault but mine. Time to take this reset and run with it.
Core Dump
I just give information which is what I did as the cog and the wheel not the leader at the head of the table. I never like being the face of anything. I always like to be the person that was behind the scenes that was running the engine but I'm by myself so I have to be in front. It's my business so I have to be in front, but I've been fighting it. When I became the president of the Bowen Alumni Association, I fought it. I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to be the face of the association. I just wanted to be a dude that did stuff for people. That's all I am is a person who does stuff for people.
The people that deserve it, the people that need it. I wasn't about trying to be a public face of anything but a mentor and friend told me things that indirectly made me understand that I have to be that face of leadership. That person that says this is me and this is what I do. I ran my Tech services by referral so I didn't really need to go out and advertise and say I'm the best in the industry and I can do this for you. I had other people speaking for me but when those voices cease to exist and I came back to this market. After taking care of my mom and taking care of her last things, I thought that I could go back to doing exactly the same thing that I did before but that doesn't work after 2 years of thinking that all I had to do was tell people that I was here and what I did and that would work but marketing has changed. Marketing is something that you have to put yourself out there for everybody to see. I'm social but I'm more personal. If you sat me in a group of a hundred people to speak my voice would be meek but if you sat me in a room of five people my voice would be strong. I have to get past that because if I am to survive I have to talk to the room of 100 $200 a thousand. A million people tell me that I'm smart and I know what I'm doing. But if I can't get that across to people is useless. There's people who support me and say oh yeah he's great he does this. He does that but I don't get the referral. I don't get the push and that's because they know I'm a nice guy but they can't risk that reputation by promoting me to somebody for work.
In Tech I was always in the bleeding edge. I was always the dude that was pushing to understand new things so it always made me the guru of my circle. I was always the go-to guy. Then at one point technology became easy and a lot of people could do it that couldn't do it before. So now you have to be the most charismatic the most. The best marketer I can say that's where I lacked because I did the job but I wasn't blowing the trumpet for myself. Being at the cafe kind of showed me something it showed me how to put myself out there. I haven't done it quite yet. Dee wants me to get on stage and do comedy. I keep resisting just like I've resisted doing the things that I need to do for my business. I want to do it so bad though what she doesn't know is that I'm always in the mirror of practicing a routine because I'm such a perfectionist. I don't want to get on the stage and just be mediocre. But that's just the fear that's keeping me from doing what I should be doing. I want to be successful so bad but I definitely am not doing the things that I need to be doing. The funny thing is that I've helped plenty of people get to where they needed to be. I met a young lady at a tech conference. She didn't know what she needed to do to make her business successful. She didn't know where to go to get to the people that she needed to talk to at the time. I was dealing with Chambers of Commerce and trying to do things that way and work with those people. So I listened to her and I told her well. Don't you have Chambers of Commerce where you are? She said she didn't know. I said you should look it up so when she did she opened up a door that let her down to path to being successful. One day she posted thanking the people that got her where she was and I was on that list. Y'all don't know. I was balling crying over here because I was happy that I could help her to get where she wanted to be. I've done this for several people. They've always come back to try to see how they can help me but I always refused because if I can help you I should be able to help myself but maybe that's not true. Maybe he has to open myself up to allow people to help me, but then I'm always uncertain how they can and so I end up pushing them away. I can't keep doing that so if you're somebody that wanted to help me in the past and I pushed you away, I'm sorry. I know you were trying to return the favor to me but I just am that guy. That's proud to the point that I got it myself. I'm cool. Thanks and that's because when I asked her other people to help me they refused and they refused in the most horrific ways so it made me angry. That's something that I never told about the whole issue when my mom and grandmother got sick and both passed away when my grandmother was in hospice I called my cousin. I asked her to help me and go see about my mother who I just sent to the hospital in the ambulance. I heard the sigh, then the response. I can't see her like that. I instantaneously got angry but I realized I wasn't going to lash out at my cousin at that point. So I said yeah okay hung up the phone and was resolute on doing this s*** myself f*** it. I don't need to keep asking people. I felt like it was a waste of time so I did it myself. I went back and forth between both of them not telling my grandmother that her daughter is in the hospital. I didn't want her to die with that thought in her mind. So the whole time that I was dealing with both of them. I was angry and upset and I closed off a lot of people, not just the ones that wouldn't help me but the ones that wanted to and this is where it started from. This is where pride turned into angry pride and I said I'll just do this myself. I don't need anybody because don't nobody wants to help me anyway. That's how I felt. I probably still feel like that mostly. I know that there are some friends out here who will help me. They're in their own situation, so I know that I can't expect them to help me every time something happens and I appreciate them when they do come and help me. I know that God puts people in your life when you need it. Somebody recently just contacted me, the wife of a friend, a good friend and she offered to help me with the business I just lingered and was like oh I'll get back to you knowing full well what's going to happen but I'm not sure how I want her to help me and that's the sticking point to me not being able to just accept the help. Their people that I talked to in the past few months that I kind of reached out to for assistance, but they gave me the talk the hey. You should do this situation. I already knew that's what I was supposed to do, but I'm not really looking for that kind of help. I realize that I'm the person who comes into the room and listens and learns and takes those things and moves on with them. So a lot of times I know what I need to do. I just need that friend that's with me. That gives me support. That makes me feel like this is good. You're okay? Cuz I'm a collaborative person. I'm a guy that likes to talk about things. Go over stuff. Remember earlier I told you I was a perfectionist. That's damn true. I'm a dude who does not want to put something out without some Outlook from somebody else and their opinion on it. If this is the good thing some people might look at that as like why. If you know you know just put it out but that's just not me. I'm always looking for my closest friends' opinions, another stopper point in what I'm supposed to be doing. This whole text is just a core dump. It really doesn't have any rhyme or reason. It's just a lot of things that I have in my head and that needs to come out. Some people might say hey. Don't put all your emotions and thoughts and everything on social media, but sometimes this is the only way. I wanted to start groups to where we sit around and talk about what we should be doing in our own lives and talk about it with people that you know and people that you know won't put your stuff out everywhere. I've been in a couple of groups like that. It was only one-off. It never really kept going. I wanted something that was going to keep going so that we could just be around one another in an environment where we eat and have entertainment or whatever. And then we just talk about life. Talk about our businesses. Talk about our relationships cuz sometimes these things don't need to be public knowledge. They don't as much as social media is the vehicle to tell what you need to tell. Sometimes those things no need to be told there. I have somebody right now who's probably reading this and going. Ken why you doing this? I got to because of years of not saying anything has left a void for people to talk about and make a narrative of you. You know where I learned that I learned that as becoming the president of the Bowen Alumni Association I realized that the organization had left such a void that people were talking and saying certain things that weren't true and circulating it amongst the alumni to the point that it became the truth. There's an all-class coming up that Keisha catch organized and we talked to her as the association about supporting her and bringing her into the alumni. But then I realized that she needed to go through this experience on her own like she was planning to do in the first place because in the past we had an all-class where I was inside the know and I knew what was happening on the inside. There were a lot of things going on and it still is going on among the alumni. The one thing is you never can leave a boy because if you do somebody will feel it with what they have to say Rather than the truth, no one's going to ask you. They're just going to assume and say things. So yeah maybe I should stop right now. I know it's been quite a bit. I got to let people absorb who going to read this. Like I said this is a core dump. This is something that I'm just spewing out into the microphone onto this blog. I'm probably not going to edit it so it's probably going to give me some mistakes cuz you know translation sucks like cuz it was like because but you know when you say cars nope that's not it stop. This is funny so I'm probably not going to post this on my Facebook. It's probably going to live right here and I'll probably just link people that I care about in this and some of the people that I talked about in this without saying their names all right y'all
Issues with my CPAP treatment and my solutions.
I have been treated for sleep apnea for a long time. Recently I have got a new machine and my incidents per hour have gone up a lot and my mask isn't sealing.
So I have been evaluating myself over the past two weeks and this is what I think is the problem.
I. Problems
Sleeping on my back consistently
Can’t sleep on side because of shoulder going to sleep (circulation) Waking up with discomfort
Stress, my unsteady financial situation.
nasal congestion
Lack of exercise
Cleanliness of this old house. There is something here aggravating my sinuses at times.
Need to lose more weight
II. Solutions (issues)
nasal decongestant, get a decongestant that consistently works and use it regularly.
clearing sinuses with saline
Sleeping on my side, have to solve shoulder issues
Planning walks and yard work consistently, have to make time regardless of financial situation.
Find the time to clean or get someone to help.
Get a full face mask to solve the mask sealing issue.
This is my initial thoughts. Some of these items I can handle myself others I might need some kind of help. It will be limited because I can't afford to pay anyone. for cleaning, and yard work, without solving the financial stability issue first.
Staying in today.
I decided to stay in today because my sinuses are really acting up. They got congested. + When I use my CPAP it exacerbates everything.
So I'm sitting in my living room in the dark. Try not to let the light hit my eyes. I'm Angry because this is a rainy Tuesday and is a great opportunity to make my money today and rideshare. But I think about others as I think about myself not putting anybody in danger by trying to drive to make money and possibly have some kind of accident because of my sinus headaches and the actual fact that light bothers my eyes.
Usually when my mom and grandmother were here they pushed me to go see about it. Now that I'm by myself I catch myself trying to deal with things and just push through but that's me normally. That was the me that my mother and grandmother were trying not to allow to flourish. I could always tell by them that that's probably how my grandfather was and every other mail in my family.
Days like this is challenging because the usual people that I can reach have their own life issues to deal with and can't always drop everything and come see about me. And I really don't expect him to. So most of the time I really don't ask.
This part of my life is difficult and I know that I can make it through. It's just that days like this. Put a damper on it and make you feel like you can't make it. I know other people who are going through situations of their own and they're going through same thing that I'm through. Job and money issues, trying to sustain what they have, trying to stay mentally fit.
As I'm doing this my sinuses are starting to clear so hopefully you by this afternoon I'll be feeling better. I think right now I'm just going to try to conduct as much business as possible and get those things out of the way. I hate that I'm not out there trying to make more money because I really need it. Not having that IT job anymore has kind of put things in more of a stressful situation. Now I have to work more hours to get the same amount of money. I wanted to start my business but it seems that all the time that I take the drive. I can't spare the time to work on the business. My only other option is to get employed and that's the issue. That is the biggest. Ageism has really rear this ugly head for me. Being an independent IT contractor for all these years has put me in a position that when a hiring manager sees my resume they immediately think all is this dude that own the business and he's going to come in here and act like he still owns a business. I've actually worked. I actually understand work. I actually understand hierarchy but of course people put generalizations on people and just keep it simple.
So I'm just going to continue to work and continue to do what I do. It's all I can do. Is what I can control.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
I'm an Infrastructure Specialist. And I'm Not Just Talking About Tech.
People who know me know I work in IT. I fix networks, I set up systems, I make sure things run the way they're supposed to. That's...
