Help me stay in the famil home.
I Have To Speak or No One Will Know
Today is Monday, not just another Monday, but a Monday after a week at a new job, a new job that I thought would give me new hope, a job that I thought would bring me a way closer to keeping the family house, but it's not true.
A week before my mom died in 2021, we had a conversation. She asked me what I was gonna do after she was gone? I didn't really have an answer, because I spent most of my life taking care of people, my mother, my friends, and I never thought about myself, so when she asked me that question I told her I was gonna stay here because I don't have anywhere else to go. That's not true either, I do have somewhere to go. I just never thought about it, and so through these five years of up and down, no job, some job, whatever, and now I'm in foreclosure with a threat of losing a house and just being homeless, I have to really think about this matter and think about what I'm gonna do and move forward with it, because in these five years I've been back-and-forth whether I'm gonna keep the house, sell the house, and reality is that over the time that I've been waffling, things have been getting worse, now the house is in disrepair. On top of the fact that there's a mortgage that's still left, I have to be realistic in the fact that there's no miracle gonna come and save me. I'm not gonna get a magic bullet job. That's gonna save me from leaving this house. I got prepared for my future, don't know where it is. Thought it was right here in South Chicago, quantum coming to South Works site. Hey, I'm a tech. Why not be part of all of this? But for some reason, I'm sitting here in the dark in my living room.
I follow everybody. I try to be involved, but it's hard when you come home. I have to think about what you're gonna fix yourself to eat. How are you gonna be able to get around because you don't have a car and you barely have money for transportation, it's hard when the financial burden is on you to strive and be the best you can. I aspired to open up a tech shop with a nonprofit, to have one side be the repair and the other side to be the educational center. I still want that to happen. Will it happen here? I don't know. Will somebody else read this and say, wow, this is a great idea? I think I'll steal this from he's in no position to make this happen.
I now work part-time at the Hyatt Regency as a valet. It's part-time, but it's something. It's definitely not enough to change my fortunes. I'm still out hunting for a job. I worked about the entire week last week, this week I only had two days, so something has to give. I have to do something else, so right now I just have to work for me. A lot of the volunteer work that I'm doing is gonna have to take the side, because if I don't do something for myself soon, I'll be in no position to do anything for anybody. Technically I don't even have the time right now, but I always make time.
The job search over the last five years has been treacherous, being in the tech industry is a grueling thing. I don't know how many times I've applied for jobs and I would get no reply. Then I would apply to other jobs and get a response, an interview, then a second interview, then sorry, we picked somebody else. I've heard that so much, when I hear it I just sigh, just move on. But I keep pushing on, hoping that the one hiring manager that looks at my résumé understands that despite the fact that I ran my own MSP doesn't make me an overpriced employee, because I know that's what's happening. They're looking at me like, this guy ran his own company, this guy is asking for a support position that's paying extra amount of dollars, but he's worth more than the position. A hiring manager would rather hire this young guy who I can pay at that price than an older person who could ask for much more. The funny thing is I just want what's there, I don't even care about trying to get people for money, but whatever.
Better, cause I know people are like, wait, but you have a business? Yeah I do, pretty much a name only since about 2018, because when I stopped to take care of my mother and grandmother, I let everything go, so when I came back in 2021 after my mom passed it took me like a year or so to even get in the groove of trying to market and talk to people and get my name back out here as somebody that's in the space. I don't even think I was successful with doing it for the most part, but I did get a few people that I worked with, most locally, most people I've known. I want to go back into business. Yes, I think it's the easiest thing, but economically it doesn't work out, because the time that it takes for me to wrap the business up, to be able to live off of, takes too long. By the time I do all that I'll probably end up being homeless and then not having any real income, I'm gonna be shunned in the system. You have to generate something, you can't be somebody that's generating nothing and taking everything. It's the reason that these Republicans are out here trying to take away all this stuff, cause they feel like people are just taking and not giving and not doing. Hell, no one wants to sit out here and just, well I'll take that back, but most of us out here are not trying to just take and take and take and not do anything, not give anything, especially me, a person that has given most of his life to his friends and family.
You know I expected to be rewarded for that, but I realize when God rewards you, God rewards you in the way that you needed to be rewarded, not in the way you want to be rewarded. So I had to continue to work and I had to continue to have faith. It gets hard some days, like today, to wake up and know that I don't work again until Friday and all I got is about 40 something dollars left in spare money. And I'm sure I'm gonna end up finding a way that I have to spend that, I've already put my transportation money to the side, because I knew that if I didn't do that, I would end up having to pay some bill or part of some bill or something else, and I'll probably look around and have to ask my best friend of 30 years for transportation money again.
This definitely isn't something out here to put your heartstrings to give me stuff. I've never been that guy, but I realize that I can't be quiet either, because my quietness makes people think that everything is OK when it's not. It hasn't been OK in a long time for me, but I didn't wanna burden other people because you've already had your own burdens to deal with, so much, you weren't even gonna think about me, not like that, you pray for me, you hope that my life will be better, but that will probably be the extent of what I would get. I'm definitely not mad at that, prayer works. But kind of a way to do this is a really long way of telling you what's happening with me and how I'm feeling, and of course, right on time, my kitty Adora comes up and meows. And she comes to sit under me. She's been one of the best things I've had around. She wakes me up. She makes sure I get up. She comes and makes me feel better when I'm bad. You know, when she first got here, she used to sleep on the shelf with my mother's and grandmother's urns. So I believe that cats can speak to the spirit world, so I believe that they gave her some instructions to care about me, cause of course God works his ways through people in his animals. Last night I was at the Metra, and a pigeon walked up, looked at me, and sat down, and just calmly looked around as people walked past. It was amazing to see, because the bird never flinched once, it was like, here I am, I'm gonna come sit with you. I don't even know where to take this. I think I just wanted to say it.
But, in the end, this I really need to say: if you read all of this, thank you for your time, cause I know I wrote a novel in about 10 minutes of talking into this iPad. I will do it again. I'm gonna make sure I keep saying things, cause my voice needs to be heard
I'm an Infrastructure Specialist. And I'm Not Just Talking About Tech.
People who know me know I work in IT. I fix networks, I set up systems, I make sure things run the way they're supposed to. That's what I do professionally.
On my business card, my title isn't Owner. It's Infrastructure Specialist. I chose that deliberately. Because that's actually what I am.
But I realized something about myself that goes deeper than that. It's not just how I work. It's how I live.
I am an infrastructure specialist in everything I do.
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I'm on the board of the Bowen High School Alumni Association. My goal there isn't just to plan events or keep an organization running. I want to bring alumni together — people who walked those same halls — and connect them back to the students who are there right now. I want to build a tech after-school program for those kids. Give them something real. Something they can use. Nobody handed that to me, and I want to be part of making sure they don't have to figure it out alone either.
On the commercial district, I want to use my business to help other business owners grow. Not because there's something in it for me. Because a stronger block means a stronger community, and that matters more to me than any individual win.
At my church, I help with the technology so the minister and pastor can deliver the word without interruption. They had some issues with the internet and I gave them some suggestions they used and the next week everything was running smoother. Sometimes I sit in church working on something I saw to let them know of an improvement I see.
With my friends, I show up. I listen. I help them get to where they're going and where they want to be. Not halfway. All the way.
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I don't do any of this for acclaim.
Let me give you an example of what I mean by that. I met a young lady some years ago and gave her some advice. I moved on. I didn't think much of it. Then one day I saw an Instagram post, and I was tagged and mentioned as one of the people who helped her get to where she is. I was happy that my suggestion helped her down the path to success.
I wasn't looking for that. But when I saw it, I was genuinely happy — not for myself, but for her. Because she made it. That's the whole point.
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That's what infrastructure is. It's the thing underneath everything else that makes it possible for other things to work. You don't always see it. You don't always know it's there. But when it's gone, everything falls apart.
I've always been that person. In technology, yes — but also in my community, in my church, in my friendships, in my neighborhood on the Southeast Side of Chicago.
I realized this about myself and I wanted to say it out loud.
This is who I am.
April 22nd (Bad night sleep and bad dreams)
I'm sitting here worried, threats of services being cut off. My fear turns into a vision. Then my cat growls. Is she in my head? She walks over to me and glares at me. I immediately tell her I'm sorry and pet her. Did she feel or see my vision? Today is stressful I have to make some calls and see if I can make some deals and keep the lights on around here.
What do I want? The continuing development of me.
I had to see what I wanted. Since I never really did what I wanted to do for the most part.
First, I need to be in a home that is minimal and is smaller than this. It's my home base, where everything starts and end from. I never really was a homebody and my mother knew it. I'm an adventure. I'm a person that wants to experience new things and new people. So my next house has to be someplace I recharge and regroup. I will entertain but only in small groups, no big parties.
Second, I want to restart the business fully. I know at this point in my life I need an executive assistant that's my clean-up person and keeps me on point. I have to be financed, and maybe the move helps me get that. Who knows. I never really fit in the labor market ever since I made the choice to work for me after the dot-com bubble ended in 2002 when I graduated from Robert Morris University. So I have to continue on the road I set for myself.
Third, I need to travel, I cook Asian, Greek, Italian and other cultures foods from recipes but have never been there to experience the authentic culture. It's been a wish to experience things and meet people. This half of my life has to be that thing. Anything short of that, I won't be happy.
Now for those of you that I deal with in the civic space, this doesn't mean I just drop everything a leave everything alone. There are fights I won't stop fighting, clean air, water, equality and transportation. The latter because I have a bucket list that I put to the side to ride every excursion train ride in the world. I love trains since I was a kid and I want to do that. We are always going to have to deal with all of that. I just don't know what part it will be until I finish with everything else.
I'm just at the point of understanding what I want to do. Things aren't set in stone like where do I want to be. This is an open-ended question. It depends on my business and what resources I can get, is this the place for me to be? It will speak to me as I do it.
The story continues.
My Future
I understand the question my mother asked me weeks before she passed. She asked me what I wanted to do. I didn't have an answer for her, because I never planned for myself. I only thought of taking care of her, I thought I would be years doing this, not just two.
So when she passed, the plans I had were if she was still here. Fix up the house, make a garden out of the side yard. Things didn't work out. Job issues, health issues, fighting through the process of probate and other things to keep me above water.
March 22nd, I walk into the emergency room at Cook County Hospital, laboring, stopping every so often to rest before I continued from the bus stop. I spent six days in the hospital getting the fluid that I had been carrying for a long time. During the time when I was taking care of both my mother and granny. Just moving along despite my own issues. Now coming out of the hospital. I'm diagnosed as having heart failure, as my heart was only working at 35 percent of normal when evaluated.
Now I'm here April 15th 2025, and I realized I'm still not living my life. No job, the business no producing money, and I'm behind on everything. I had to ask myself this morning, I'm I living MY LIFE!? The answer is no.
So what is my life. I had to ask myself. I've worked to help others so long that I don't know what it is to live for myself.
One, my house isn't a place I want to be in all the time. While I was taking care of my mother, she would always notice when I got tired of being in the house and suggest I go somewhere. Most of the time I would go to local wrestling shows like CSW, AAW and other local shows. Have fun and come home. I got an AMC movie pass from a family friend, and it started for a while me picking a day to go to the movies. There are other things I would like to do, but the money became a barrier to going.
Two, I'm a traveler, I like to go places and experience things. Even with in the city. It's the reason I made a group on Facebook, "Let's Go Eat" It was supposed to be restaurant suggestions where we would plan to meet and have fun over a meal. Didn't work out that way, it's just me and my best friend Dawud posting recipes we see on social media. When I was younger, I did road trips. We would go visit someone in another city. The rules were you took us out to eat, no chain restaurants. You had to take us to something local. Those were fun times. I would love to travel more and see more. Since I've been on Rednote I want to travel to Asian countries and see everything in person. Would love to go to Europe and Africa. I'm a train fanatic. I've seen some great train rides in Canada and a few in South America I would love to experience. So you see if I owned a home it would just be home base when I'm not out and about.
Three, I've always been about meeting and experiencing new people. It helps you grow as a person and gives you better perspective. So traveling would satisfy this.
So what does that say to what I'm doing now. Well, this house is like that movie Moneypit. The longer I live here, the more that goes on. This house is old and way too large for me. I would be happy with a smaller, easier to maintain home. Right now, I can't move to do that because of everything I'm dealing with. I feel like I need an executive assistant most days. So I might look to sell, but in the deal I'd have to be found a smaller home to move into. I refuse to live the apartment life. I did it for a short time and didn't like it. So, I want to be a homeowner.
I'm in the right field. IT would allow me to be able to move around. When I get the business funded. I have a plan to allow me to be able to move around but have my business to where my clients are always taken care of. (don't want to give out secrets on what I'm going to do)
So I'm looking at ways to get out of this pit. I'm working with my resources and I'm going to make the best decision for me.
Time to take this reset and run with it.
I've never been the person who puts my life out there as it happens, and sometimes I don't speak about it afterward. I had to say something about this. Some of you know I haven't been well for quite some time, and I've been battling issue after issue.
Well, Saturday March 22nd while I was on my way to a CSW (local pro wrestling) Show with my friend Dawud I was feeling my worse but I went along just trying to make it through. We took public transportation to the venue. As we are getting off the 303 pace bus at 25th and Pacific Ave. We started our 2 block walk and I knew there was a problem. I had to stop every 1/2 block to rest. Not a few seconds but at least 2-3 minutes. I felt like my heart was working too hard and I had to stop. I made it to the venue and dealt with standing up in line. When we got in I got to sit down.
I was good I made it and I was enjoying the show. About 2/3rd of the way through my legs started swelling and I felt uncomfortable in the chair. Usually at this point I would get up and move around but it was a packed house, not much room to move. So I just sat there moving around in the chair just making it through.
The show was over even though I was uncomfortable I still enjoyed the show. I told Dawud how I felt and he called a Uber to get us back to his house where I was going to stay the night and go home in the morning.
After a few driver changes we got our guy and we were on our way to his apartment. I got in the car easy but it was a hard time getting out. I took my time to get to his second floor apartment. I crashed out in the reclining chair. Dawud got me a blanket, we talked a little before he went into his room and I went to sleep.
In the morning I'm still not feeling good and wondering about my bus ride home. I thought since I'm getting on the 126 Jackson bus and the weekend route stops at Stroger Hospital, should I just get off there and go to the ER. I had been to South Shore twice already but I was a Cook County Hospital patient and I know they would be more aggressive on getting me well. So I talked to Dawud about it. Like normal Dawud always listens and doesn't really interrupt me with advise. He knows I'm just talking it out and I needed him as someone who would listen. Then I got to a point where I was starting to talk about things I had to do, saying I probably don't need to stop.
Suddenly Dawud looked at me and hollered STOP! He knew it was time to give his advise. At first I looked strange at him but I listened as he said stop making excuses and go. I agreed, got myself together and got on the 126 at Central and Jackson.
On the ride there I started worrying about how I was going to feed the cat of I had to stay. What I was going to do about other business that I had to attend to. I got off at Harrison and Ogden to walk to the ER. It was a 5-7 minute walk as I had to stop every so often.
I got to the counter, they got me in a wheelchair, then asked me what was wrong. After our conversation I was wheeled in to get a EKG, after I was called up to the triage nurse then I had blood drawn. While I was getting blood drawn they called me to the back. I ended up in RED 23 ( I felt that was kinda lucky later on)
They took great care of me doing the tests that needed to be done. Working to get the excess fluid off my body. Trying to determine if this excess fluid has caused any heart damage. Because of the excess fluid I couldn't take a CT scan. I couldn't lay down flat.
So they got me a room and continued to work on my fluid levels. Cardio came up to see me and told me the plans to check my heart and lungs for damage or blockage. I started to worry about how I was going to take care of Adora. She needs to be fed. I reach out to several people, in the end Dawud and Rita were going to help me with that. On top of that something happened that my wood door wasn't closed so Dawud was going to close that after he fed Adora.
I was happy that it was done and I though at this point I might be out by Monday or Tuesday but that wasn't in the plans. The doctors were concerned about the amount of fluid that I had and wanted to make sure they got off all they could before the procedure. On Tuesday they moved me from the 8th floor to cardio on the 4th floor to be closer to the specialist working with me.
I was starting to feel lonely and I was missing Adora. When Dawud went to my house I had him put up my Wyze cams that were charging so I can see Adora and talk to here. The first time she heard me and ran to the camera and meowed and meowed. It made me feel bad I wasn't there. In the mist of feeling this way I got a visit from Mark Lowe the pastor of my church. I reached out to him and several other close people to let them know where i was. I didn't expect to see him. I was surprised and happy that someone came to see me. He was right on time cause I was considering telling the doctors I had to go. Since Mark came I decided to stay. The visit gave me energy to continue.
This wasn't the last visitor. As I was sitting and watching TV the next day here comes Ms Wells and Ms Edwards. Ms Edwards had been getting on me at church about taking care of myself and said she will do a walk by and make sure I'm good. I was so happy to see them. One of my doctors came in while they were there and told me of the plans. As she was telling me the risks I got scared. Both Ms Wells and Ms Edwards encouraging me to do what I needed to do (I told the doctor they where my aunt so they can stay) :) I did need them there, you remember I talk myself out of stuff. So I agreed and signed the consents.
Since this story is going long I'll save what happened in the procedure for another post. It was interesting.
After the procedure they said everything is clear. no damage, no blockages. I was happy about that and that they used my neck and wrist and not my groin. The later would have been a longer recovery time.
So now that it was done. My cardio doctors can now figure out what meds I needed to continue. I spent one more night, my choice before I went home.
Now that I'm here I feel different. Its something I have to get use to. I've never felt like this before. I've come to realize that I was doing things to compensate for what was going on. I was holding my breath at times while I was doing things. I have no clue why. Its something that I'm trying to break the habit from doing. So if you see me someplace and it looks like I might be holding my breath remind me to breath. Usually when I'm doing something, climbing stairs, walking up and incline, I did it this morning while washing dishes. Weird. I feel totally different. When I first got home I though I needed to rest. I need to take it easy but I need to move so my body gets use to feeling like this. I have to resist the thought that I don't feel normal. This was a reset. This is normal and I have to keep this.
While I was in my room the morning of the procedure I did a video titled "Get out of my own way. Its on my YouTube channel right now. I talked about how much I get in my own way. I'm going to stop this because its the only reason I am where I am. It was no one else's fault but mine. Time to take this reset and run with it.
