The Battle Within

I saw a Youtube video on the Dry Creek Wrangler School channel. It's the last place I thought I would see a good video about loneliness. But hey he is a cowboy so maybe I'll get a good tip or two. He said something that blew me away and made me think. 

Click on the image to view video

When he said that I was like, wow, hold up a minute. I thought back through my life. Where I wanted to be, where I could have been, and where I am now. I realized some time ago that I put on a facade when I walk out that door. My grandmother always told me to protect myself by not letting too many people into your inner circle of thought. So I did. Only a handful of people have EVER been in that inner circle. There are people that believe they are there but they aren't. Only a few people know I usually am angry most of the time since I was 33 years old. I'm surprised it doesn't show physically but I cope in my own ways. So from 33 until this year that smiling man in front of you probably was mad underneath. You didn't have anything to fear cause the anger wasn't with anyone else, it was with myself. 

I had goals of having my career in order, well I got sidetracked, but I can deal with that. I wanted to be in a good relationship as I'm not the player player. Well ok, I'm 33 it's ok I got prospects. Then when I thought I had that prospect I told her. She seemed happy. Then she got pregnant, and things flipped instantly. I'm not gonna go through the entire story cause I don't want to relive that again. But it ended with me and her at an abortion clinic. I know I didn't want to be there but I gave her the choice because it was her body and I had no right to tell her she had to have it. 

After it was over I went on my way. It was 3 years later around the same time of the year. My mother walked up to me, looked me in the eyes, and said "STOP!!" I looked at her, "What?". She told me to stop being sad about something I couldn't control. She didn't want the baby and every year since then you get depressed about it, stop, please. She told me to move on and I did. 

Little did I know there was a little angry man still hanging around. Every so often he would come out but I would put him back in the box. Until one day he was out for good and I couldn't put him back. So I started to just be that nice guy, jovial never had a bad thing to say. Inside I was like "Hulk SMASH!" The target wasn't anyone outside it was me. 

It ate at me until I left and moved to Columbus where I stayed with someone. But I knew inside I had to move out quickly. So I told her in one month I'll be in my own place. I lived up to my promise and had my own place. 

At first I was ok, man on my own. I did all the things I needed to do for myself. I had calmed down that little angry man and caged him up. But being in my own place, not really being out and about and making new friends. The little angry man started coming back. This time I got sick, I was in the hospital worried that I might die. The blessing came in the form of Dr Striker, not the one on WGN but her brother who use to work with my mother at Micheal Reese in Chicago. He came in and said to me "Litzsey that's a familiar name". I told him about my mother and her being a nurse. He told me he worked with her. He assured me he was going to take good care of me. He was the cardiologist that was going to do my pericardial. After my procedures, I had a tube in my chest draining the fluid from around my heart and I had something in my neck so they could break any blood clots. My mother came down. After some scary moments, I made it through. I got back home and mom looked at me and told me I wasn't staying here. 

Back to Chicago, I went and everything after that taking care of mom and granny and all I spoke about in another blog post. 

Now they are both gone. The time I took care of them I felt like I was ok. I wasn't. Being alone in this house has sparked the little angry man. I was afraid because this is the first time in my life I didn't have someone around me that knew. I began to get angry at myself because I didn't plan better. I didn't execute things before my mother passed to have me in a better position. She always worried about this and told me. Here I am, closed down business, no job and the choice of selling the house and moving on to God knows what or trying to do something to hang on. I did the latter and decision after decision that didn't go my way feed the little angry man, that man shouted at me. Look how fucked up you are. Look no one cares about you, not a soul has come by to comfort you. You have no real friends you never had. Oh if one more person says I'll pray for you I'm gonna smack them in the mouth!! Fuck them, Fuck you!!!

I was so angry at one point I didn't even leave the house unless I had to. Then when certain people reached out I was in no condition to be around them. I didn't think I would break it. 

Then my little cutie came across the street, walked on my porch and looked around, and chose to be with me. I'm talking about Adora my cat. She dealt with the little angry man at certain points when I caught her doing something, I had to run in my room and shut my door and scream into the pillow. She gave me something to care for. Something that always keeps me grounded. I'm good......naw not yet. 

I might not get angry but I get sad, he is just as bad as the angry man. He puts me in a place where I remember what the angry man shouted at me and reminds me nothing has changed. 

Back to Dwayne from Dry Creek Wrangler School. He said something that I need to take at heart I need to like me. All the goals missed, all the things that happened, the fact that I'm with myself. I have to love and believe in me or nothing else will matter. That little angry man really didn't exist it was my self hatred. The fact that I didn't live up to my lofty goals. Well hell does anyone? I'm just the guy the believed I could and when I didn't I put myself down. It's the reason no friend could really help me. All they could do was advise. Looking out this window I'm still a little mad but I have to use that to get up and do something about it despite how I feel or who is here to help me. I know physically I can't do everything around here but I'll do what I can and I know my blessings will come like they always have at the important moments of my life. Its still going to be a struggle but its a struggle I can work on with the understanding I've gained. 

 

I Care

 

I woke up this morning realizing that yesterday shouldn't have happened. I realized that I'm still grieving, I still feel loss and lastly I'm looking for that next thing to care about. 

 

I've always been a man of service. I took care of my friends, when I had time I spent it not on myself but helping others. I took care of my mom and granny. I could have left home and set out to make a life for myself but I stayed close to home and looks after them. I don't know if they saw it that way. Hell, I don't know if I really understood. I cared for them both until they passed. 

 I care about the school I graduated from and the people that graduated from it. I first got involved with a group of graduates that wanted to connect and bring people together. Later in 2011 I found out their was an alumni association that was formed and attempted to join, hoping that I would bring in everyone and we would have a alumni community that would have fun together and serve together in assisting students from the school and the principal in delivering the best experience for those students. Right now I'm the President of the association. At first it wasn't my choice but as time went on I grew into the position. Now I'm attempting what I wanted to see when I first joined. More participation, a stronger association and to help the students and the principal in any way we can. 

I care about my neighborhood, I went to chamber of commerce meetings in South Shore and South Chicago. I stuck with South Chicago because of the Bowen connection. The South Chicago Chamber is no more but I still try to work with the SSA #5. I also am part of the Bessemer/Schafer Park advisory council. Again the connection to Bowen is one of the reasons I'm part of this PAC and not Rainbow which is closer to me geographically. I have ties with everyone their also. I connect to any project that is in the community. I might no do much in certain places but I want to be in the room and hopefully if I find someone that in interested I can point them in that direction. I want to see a strong community. 

I care about my work. When I came out of college in 2002. I came out right when the dotcom bubble bursted. So with not resources to help me land a tech job I just worked at UPS and did IT on the side. At first it was ok. I really wanted to have a job with a company. As time went on I got attached to working residential and small businesses. I don't know if the feeling was mutual. I had my ups and downs, I had times where I tried to apply for jobs to no avail. So I continued to work my side hustle and work until I made a choice in 2013 that I would go into business. It was great I had clients and now I can make a formal business. I didn't have full understanding about running this as a business but I bootstrapped and had fair success. I wanted to get to a point where I could grow my business and hire. I saw my business as my retirement plan since the previous 13 years were spent in jobs that really didn't have that plain in sight. I cared about my clients taking that extra mile to get this squared away. Sometime my caring was enough sometimes it wasn't depending on who I dealt with. I worked my business until the care of my mother and grandmother superseded it. 

I took care of them until my granny passed in 2018 at 100 years old. It was her choice as she was on dialysis and decided she had enough and was happy to make 100 when she saw other pass from the complications that were far younger than her. When she passed there were people that spoke about her caring. Which I had no idea she was doing. I guess that's half of where i got it from.

I care about my mother as fell ill as my mother was in hospice. What I didn't realized at the time she cared so much for her mother that she sacrificed her own health. She had be suffering for a while and I didn't notice. So when I got her in an ambulance to the hospital. I played the balancing game of dealing with both of them by myself. I reached out to a few people but when they declined to help I just went on with it. 

I shared what happened after that in another blog post (I think?, I write from the heart so much I don't even remember if I don't look back and see the actual post). But anyway, 

After they passed. I spent the year trying to figure out do I want to stay or go. Do I care enough to move on and what is next for me to care about. I spent the entire year thinking about it. Truthfully, I still am and its probably the reason I'm writing right now. I had a emotional blowup yesterday because I'm at this job and I want to learn the processes I need to service the office. I'm having issues crop up and instead of reaching out I clammed up and turned inward. I walked out that office after my shift without a smile on my face and I didn't say goodbye to the staff that are always eating their lunch when I leave. I know they noticed that. I spoke to my onsite contact on how I felt about trying to learn this process and how I want to be helpful in the office. All my emotions from everything I've been through came to the top and I was ready to just leave and not come back. That was a foolish thought but in my head I'm a fuck up and don't deserve to be there. I said shit yesterday I which I could take back. Nothing bad about anyone else but I showed my insecurity on my sleeve. I showed how deserted I felt overall. Something that they never did to me. Damn I wish I could tell my contact I about this but it probably would make things worse. 

I care about my family, my late uncle Maurice got me into looking at my family tree and where I came from. I became interested an reach out to family online after I went to the family reunion. My cousins here in Chicago have always been here, for me I really only see them on occasion, but I helped start the family blog, Facebook group. I wish I had been closer when we were younger I don't know what happened I was just a pedestrian in the situation. Hopefully thing get better on that front.

Sometimes I beat myself up for caring so much. Sometimes I think I should just not care and try to talk myself into it but I just fall back into caring. Because I care and I've been hurt in the past I tend to proactively protect myself, some people call it over reacting. I'm working on that a lot, most of the time I don't respond to certain things right away. To allow my rational thought to take over. Its a process and something I felt I needed to talk about. I'm glad I have friend that protect me. I've had them all my life. Thank you to them for keeping me safe from people who might prey on the fact I care.

What's Next

 

 

I have to make an important decision in my life. I’ve always worked as an independent IT consultant. I started back in 2002. I worked regular jobs until 2011, then I went in full time as a consultant. Then after 4 years, I started to help my mother more with my grandmother until her choice to stop dialysis at age 100. She told us when she made that decision she felt she made it to her goal of making 100 and was satisfied. While my grandmother was in hospice, my mother who I realize in hindsight was having major issues, had to be hospitalized.

At that point I had to completely stop my consulting business there was no time for me to work on everything about that and take care of this. So after months of fighting to get my mother proper care. Of course thanks to people like Tanya for getting me past a really hard situation at the step-down hospital. I got her back home after her stay at the rehab. Now her full-time caregiver there was no IT consulting going on. I worked to take care of the house and her until her passing in Dec 2021.

After which I had more decisions to make. Will I go back into my business or just find work? Since during the pandemic and caring for mom I made absolutely no income. I still had hope I could restart my business as the last job I actually held before the job I had now was an independent transporter job I held until 2011.

So all of 2022 I spent on my own working with help from key my key people, Dawud and Rita, then leaned on my lawyers from LegalShield to make sure I made proper legal steps. They referred me to my probate lawyer who guided me through the process. I did most of my own footwork since I really didn’t have the money to pay my lawyer to have her contracted services do it.

Now its June 2023, and after struggling the first part of the year, getting into every program I could I pulled through and I’m one step away from finishing probate, I got a part-time job and I feel better about my prospects but this is where I had to make my decision. Do I work a part-time job and try to reopen my business or do I just work? Being 52 years old and restarting my business is far different than when I originally started this. Not only my age but the pandemic and the economic situation changed the way people spend their money. I have tried to market myself and try to start the business over but with all my new responsibilities and no backup like I had, it seems like I have no dedicated time for it. I would get someone to do it for me but with no real money to speak of how would I pay them? It's not like before when someone will work off the prospect of making it, they want cash now.

So now I’m not saying I won’t fix someone’s computer, printer, or network but I feel like unless I get help either with partners or financial help I will just be spinning my wheels and risk putting myself back in the situation I was in at the beginning of this year.

Getting work is hard, I applied to jobs all of 2022 with few interviews. A lot of the positions I saw on job boards like Indeed and Glassdoor would go in and out of being posted. I called them ghost jobs. Why? Because I found out through a business contact that some companies post jobs to raise their investor value. So investor confidence would be high, they would believe the company was growing and its value was still good. That’s why in early 2023 they were saying jobs were at this high but on the street people still were unemployed. But let me not go down that rabbit hole.

As I’m writing this now I believe I have to get full-time work to survive but I promise you my optimist side will take over at any given moment and start telling you I’m back in business. Once you work for yourself that drive to be that is hard to get rid of. So if you have some tech work for me to hesitate to call me, but I’m in survival mode right now and the only way I’ll make it past August is to make more money. August is the month that I start to pay the mortgage. Right now I make barely enough to do what I need now. With that 1300 dollar addition in August, I will be right back in my early 2023 situation. It's the reason why I have to make this decision to work over my entrepreneurial dreams. 

Another overnight thought session.

 Like most mornings, I woke up with a pressing issue on my mind that I've probably been processing during my sleep and I always come up with immediate actions I could take. Some of you know there has been a change in Adora and I've been trying to go over our situation together. I've come to these realizations.

1. Adora is what I named her, she is "A Dora the Explorer" She always wants to experience life and everything around her. She came to me in that spirit but I did like typical humans do. Took her in and restricted that explorer. There are sections of my house she can't go in because I have yet to make them pet-safe. Previously Rakishi never really carried about going in the basement or the back porch. Adora gets upset when I don't let her in those spaces. She wants full access.
 

2. She wants to go out. So with that in mind, I will need to get her Spay. I'm already setting up an appointment through PAWS to get that done. Since I don't really have to money to pay full price at any regular vet. By her bonding with me, she hates when I leave the house. At first, I didn't have employment and I wasn't out civically. Now I'm gone at least 3-4 days a week.
 

3. She is far more selective about the foods she will eat. At first, I use to get blue buffalo kitten food she loved it and would eat it up. Now because of time or availability, I've tried to give her different brands, and a lot of them she would look at me like "What the hell is this" and actually walk away. With money short I can't really go out here and experiment on what food she likes. Also I do remember when she first came into the house I would treat her like all my other cats and when I was in the kitchen I'd give her little bits. I did stop doing that. Which could be an issue also. 

For all those issues described above these are the lingering problems that keep me from accomplishing changing them. There was about a 4 year period between her and Rakishi where there were no cats in the house. During that period I had an exterminator come through several times laying things down for bug and mice. I have kept up with it for the most part. One of the issues I had when I brought Adora in the house was cleaning up all those pink bait packs. I've caught her several times finding one I missed. Forcing me to get on the floor and check and really clear out parts of the house. Which I successfully did the living and dining room but it took a while for me to make the kitchen safe. Now the only remaining areas are the back porch and the basement. With the latter being a humongous task. I still have my mother's and grandmother's clothes in bags down here. Which I seriously need help with. I want to clean these areas so She has full access to the house. 

As far as going out. If I get the PAWS appointment I could probably do Uber there and back but with my tight budget I don't know if I would be able to when the time came. I might have one or two people that may take me but its not guaranteed. If I can get past that it would be one hurdle to get past. The next. taking her out with me. I don't have too many places I can take her with me. I do have aspirations of traveling again. Which I will find a pet friendly hotel and take her with me. Transportation is an issue. At some point I probably would need a car. Working my IT business more and earning money that way would help but its been a real battle for me to market and get new customers as I'm not the best sales guy, I just know how to fix things. 

Food, with the price of things and my income its a stress just to keep food in the fridge for me and get food and litter for her. On my recent trip to the vet they gave me resources for food and other things for Adora. Now I just have to get there and back. I have to reach out to my few resources to see if anyone can take me there as it would be difficult to be on the bus. You might look at me and be like come on dude but at 52 I'm starting to suffer from issues with my knees and hips because of the years of me being this size and my injuries playing football and some workplace incidents also. 

So what do I hope from this disclosure of information. If anyone can help me with, cleaning up the house. If I can't get a ride to the vet and I can't afford to do Uber or Lyft to help me get there and back home. Lastly if your a pet owner and want to take advantage of the resources I talked about, take me with you. So I can get these things for her. What I realized over this time unless you have a specific ask your gonna get suggestions back on what you can do. I have enough suggestions I need actionable help. I'm not looking for someone to do everything for me I'm looking for that boost so I can get to a level where I can do this myself. I have too much pride to lean on anyone for a long period of time. My closest friends know that cause they get mad at me when I don't ask and I just suffer through things.

52, the next day, back to life

 

I woke up this morning thinking I was going to feel different. Well that's not true and I knew it. I didn't feel different when I became 30 or 40 or even 2 years ago when I became 50. Aging is something that happens slowly over time and you don't notice until far later on. 

I woke up today after a nice day hanging out with my best friend Dawud. We played video games and talked stuff. It was all I needed. With the complex issues going on I didn't need to think of any I was going through. We played Shing! a game I played by myself but got stuck at this one level with this boss that i couldn't beat. Shing! is actually a collaborative game that should be played with friends. So because he played with me we were able to get past that point. Of course later on we hit a point where it would have been cool to have a 3rd or 4th person then we could have gotten past that. Hey here is the link to the game on steam, just in case you might want to play the game with me in the future. Shing!

Now I'm up at 7am writing this blog post, with the cat acting strange probably because she wants me to either feed her right now or pay attention to her. I'm thinking about this long process to get back to work. I have a job at First Student as a van driver but because of a medical paper I need to get done I'm currently paused. This is putting me in a horrible financial situation. It's forcing me back into my business financed or not. Most of my bills are 2 months behind. I'm on the brink of the next step of foreclosure. I'm in programs I'm doing all the things most people are thinking of right now. I've to the point where I pray everyday and trust in the people around me but even that is coming to a head. There are times I think about that outro to the Incredible Hulk tv series when Banner is always leaving the town he was just in. Outside of this house I really can just leave, but I don't want to. I love my neighborhood despite all the disinvestment. I'm working with people and organizations that want to make a change and change is coming. 

I'm scared more than I've ever been mostly because I'm in this house alone and no one every comes over. As much as I would like company sometimes it hardly happens. Me being alone is never a good thing, I know this. Its why I try to go to as many events as possible. Sometimes stuff i'm not totally into but someone is there I know or its a topic I know someone needs to know about. So I'll pass that info on to them. 

I love to cook but since I've been by myself I've realized that cooking is a communal thing for me. I have to either be cooking with or for someone for it to be enjoyable. Its why i made a group on Facebook called Let's Go Eat. I want to share recipes or restaurants with the hopes that we would either get together to cook or go to the restaurant as a group. 

My life is meant to be lived with other people which is something that isn't happening right now. So I have to make a choice do I fight to stay here or do I go and find my flock somewhere else. It has to happen soon. This current situation is taking a toll on me. 

Flexin' my connect game.

 

I have known for quite sometime that I'm the guy that puts the right people together. I might not be the negotiator but I'm the one that gets two sides into a room together. All that I do isn't something I talk about often because I want to make those connections on my own. I worry about people wondering who I know and if they find out try to manipulate their way into a situation. Trust is the key that makes things work. So I have to evaluate the resource and the person I'm going to connect to them before I get them together. 

Today I decided after all these years I should toot my own horn for a minute. For years I've found myself in rooms, rooms that people probably wondered why I was there. I listen, recall people that might benefit from knowing this person or organization.  

I don't even remember the last time I put people together and it didn't work. I'm careful to listen to people and what they are looking for. When I match someone I ask questions to get details and try to make sure I'm making the right connection. I think I did a good job today, I can't speak on what it was but I think its a good connect and it gets something started ahead of a lot of other people because I had early knowledge. I have another connect from this resource that I'm going to work this afternoon. Hopefully this works out also. 

I don't gain anything from most of these connections. There are times I might get something but I don't really care. Its something that comes natural to me and doesn't require a lot of work. Its just be listening and seeing the connection. I'm sure its a job classification out here for this and with me dealing with money issues I need to find that job LOL. 

This is one of my talents I never really tell anyone. I just do it. 

Where I will be in '23

 

I've been everywhere on the Internet since 1990. On every network, chat, social media experiment their is. At the end of the day what is the best for you? What is the best for me?

I've been trying to use Facebook Business. I filled out everything, I made sure its update. I post, I have a little over 400 followers but only have a reach to a little over 100 of them. Why? The algorithm, the thing that dictates if your popular or not by the amount of engagement you get. Obviously because 300 of my followers aren't engaging with me I'm low on the totem pole. 

Twitter is worse, but they are different than Facebook. On Twitter you have to constantly work for your engagement because of the high amount of information being thrown at you. Wait, now that I think about it its not far off the issue on Facebook. I never really was a fan of Twitter I had it be in the room. Twitter for me doesn't give enough room for my idea. If you seen my blog posts here, on My Thoughts and the Litzsey Tech Services blog. Then you  know I can be long winded depending on the subject. Twitter just doesn't flow with my jive. 

Mastodon, that is some fun stuff. When I first got on before the exodus from Twitter it was kinda boring. It have great potential because at least I could get out my opinions in a toot that I couldn't get out in a tweet. Then the Fediverse is that includes Mastodon, Pixelfed and other services opens a lot of doors and crosses an lot of lines. To me its like if Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Youtube and your favorite blogger all spoke on the same network. Think of the possibilities. I'm starting to post more for business and personal. I'm getting good feedback and reactions. I know I have to continue posting to allow people to find me. There is a tip for people just starting. Use hashtags to post and to search for posts. Its the easiest way to get around the Fediverse. 

Then last but not least is what I'm using right now. It gives me the best freedom of everything. I post what I want how I want and you can access it free of any restrictions. My downside is posting links to my blog on Facebook won't get you brownie points, unless your post becomes an internet sensation. Its probably gonna fall in the algorithm pit. Twitter might give you a better chance if you use hashtags that people check on a regular bases. Same with Mastodon but I get more responses there than on Twitter.

As thing move along I'm starting to blog more. I need my ideas to flow but I also need interaction. Both things make it a better experience for both of us. I just recently closed a Facebook group of mine because of that. I had people but no engagement. It pretty much was me talking to no one. I looked at the post stats and saw the same 4-5 people out of like 15 members. So I had to close it. Here I might shout to the wind most of the time. Every so often I'll get a winner that my "Where are the big man's slippers." Which is still and issue right now. Don't let me start ranting about that again. LOL

I hope you enjoy my blog posts cause this is where I will mainly be in '23. I also hope you find some useful information along the way. Please give me feedback I do look. Like I said before it enhances me so I make more better and focused blog post. 

Ron DeSantis Isn't Prepared For This Historic Lawsuit

This is DeSantis trying to scrub black history. Reducing the fight for black rights to sit-ins, marches and speeches.