52, the next day, back to life

 

I woke up this morning thinking I was going to feel different. Well that's not true and I knew it. I didn't feel different when I became 30 or 40 or even 2 years ago when I became 50. Aging is something that happens slowly over time and you don't notice until far later on. 

I woke up today after a nice day hanging out with my best friend Dawud. We played video games and talked stuff. It was all I needed. With the complex issues going on I didn't need to think of any I was going through. We played Shing! a game I played by myself but got stuck at this one level with this boss that i couldn't beat. Shing! is actually a collaborative game that should be played with friends. So because he played with me we were able to get past that point. Of course later on we hit a point where it would have been cool to have a 3rd or 4th person then we could have gotten past that. Hey here is the link to the game on steam, just in case you might want to play the game with me in the future. Shing!

Now I'm up at 7am writing this blog post, with the cat acting strange probably because she wants me to either feed her right now or pay attention to her. I'm thinking about this long process to get back to work. I have a job at First Student as a van driver but because of a medical paper I need to get done I'm currently paused. This is putting me in a horrible financial situation. It's forcing me back into my business financed or not. Most of my bills are 2 months behind. I'm on the brink of the next step of foreclosure. I'm in programs I'm doing all the things most people are thinking of right now. I've to the point where I pray everyday and trust in the people around me but even that is coming to a head. There are times I think about that outro to the Incredible Hulk tv series when Banner is always leaving the town he was just in. Outside of this house I really can just leave, but I don't want to. I love my neighborhood despite all the disinvestment. I'm working with people and organizations that want to make a change and change is coming. 

I'm scared more than I've ever been mostly because I'm in this house alone and no one every comes over. As much as I would like company sometimes it hardly happens. Me being alone is never a good thing, I know this. Its why I try to go to as many events as possible. Sometimes stuff i'm not totally into but someone is there I know or its a topic I know someone needs to know about. So I'll pass that info on to them. 

I love to cook but since I've been by myself I've realized that cooking is a communal thing for me. I have to either be cooking with or for someone for it to be enjoyable. Its why i made a group on Facebook called Let's Go Eat. I want to share recipes or restaurants with the hopes that we would either get together to cook or go to the restaurant as a group. 

My life is meant to be lived with other people which is something that isn't happening right now. So I have to make a choice do I fight to stay here or do I go and find my flock somewhere else. It has to happen soon. This current situation is taking a toll on me.