The Battle Within
I saw a Youtube video on the Dry Creek Wrangler School channel. It's the last place I thought I would see a good video about loneliness. But hey he is a cowboy so maybe I'll get a good tip or two. He said something that blew me away and made me think.
When he said that I was like, wow, hold up a minute. I thought back through my life. Where I wanted to be, where I could have been, and where I am now. I realized some time ago that I put on a facade when I walk out that door. My grandmother always told me to protect myself by not letting too many people into your inner circle of thought. So I did. Only a handful of people have EVER been in that inner circle. There are people that believe they are there but they aren't. Only a few people know I usually am angry most of the time since I was 33 years old. I'm surprised it doesn't show physically but I cope in my own ways. So from 33 until this year that smiling man in front of you probably was mad underneath. You didn't have anything to fear cause the anger wasn't with anyone else, it was with myself.
I had goals of having my career in order, well I got sidetracked, but I can deal with that. I wanted to be in a good relationship as I'm not the player player. Well ok, I'm 33 it's ok I got prospects. Then when I thought I had that prospect I told her. She seemed happy. Then she got pregnant, and things flipped instantly. I'm not gonna go through the entire story cause I don't want to relive that again. But it ended with me and her at an abortion clinic. I know I didn't want to be there but I gave her the choice because it was her body and I had no right to tell her she had to have it.
After it was over I went on my way. It was 3 years later around the same time of the year. My mother walked up to me, looked me in the eyes, and said "STOP!!" I looked at her, "What?". She told me to stop being sad about something I couldn't control. She didn't want the baby and every year since then you get depressed about it, stop, please. She told me to move on and I did.
Little did I know there was a little angry man still hanging around. Every so often he would come out but I would put him back in the box. Until one day he was out for good and I couldn't put him back. So I started to just be that nice guy, jovial never had a bad thing to say. Inside I was like "Hulk SMASH!" The target wasn't anyone outside it was me.
It ate at me until I left and moved to Columbus where I stayed with someone. But I knew inside I had to move out quickly. So I told her in one month I'll be in my own place. I lived up to my promise and had my own place.
At first I was ok, man on my own. I did all the things I needed to do for myself. I had calmed down that little angry man and caged him up. But being in my own place, not really being out and about and making new friends. The little angry man started coming back. This time I got sick, I was in the hospital worried that I might die. The blessing came in the form of Dr Striker, not the one on WGN but her brother who use to work with my mother at Micheal Reese in Chicago. He came in and said to me "Litzsey that's a familiar name". I told him about my mother and her being a nurse. He told me he worked with her. He assured me he was going to take good care of me. He was the cardiologist that was going to do my pericardial. After my procedures, I had a tube in my chest draining the fluid from around my heart and I had something in my neck so they could break any blood clots. My mother came down. After some scary moments, I made it through. I got back home and mom looked at me and told me I wasn't staying here.
Back to Chicago, I went and everything after that taking care of mom and granny and all I spoke about in another blog post.
Now they are both gone. The time I took care of them I felt like I was ok. I wasn't. Being alone in this house has sparked the little angry man. I was afraid because this is the first time in my life I didn't have someone around me that knew. I began to get angry at myself because I didn't plan better. I didn't execute things before my mother passed to have me in a better position. She always worried about this and told me. Here I am, closed down business, no job and the choice of selling the house and moving on to God knows what or trying to do something to hang on. I did the latter and decision after decision that didn't go my way feed the little angry man, that man shouted at me. Look how fucked up you are. Look no one cares about you, not a soul has come by to comfort you. You have no real friends you never had. Oh if one more person says I'll pray for you I'm gonna smack them in the mouth!! Fuck them, Fuck you!!!
I was so angry at one point I didn't even leave the house unless I had to. Then when certain people reached out I was in no condition to be around them. I didn't think I would break it.
Then my little cutie came across the street, walked on my porch and looked around, and chose to be with me. I'm talking about Adora my cat. She dealt with the little angry man at certain points when I caught her doing something, I had to run in my room and shut my door and scream into the pillow. She gave me something to care for. Something that always keeps me grounded. I'm good......naw not yet.
I might not get angry but I get sad, he is just as bad as the angry man. He puts me in a place where I remember what the angry man shouted at me and reminds me nothing has changed.
Back to Dwayne from Dry Creek Wrangler School. He said something that I need to take at heart I need to like me. All the goals missed, all the things that happened, the fact that I'm with myself. I have to love and believe in me or nothing else will matter. That little angry man really didn't exist it was my self hatred. The fact that I didn't live up to my lofty goals. Well hell does anyone? I'm just the guy the believed I could and when I didn't I put myself down. It's the reason no friend could really help me. All they could do was advise. Looking out this window I'm still a little mad but I have to use that to get up and do something about it despite how I feel or who is here to help me. I know physically I can't do everything around here but I'll do what I can and I know my blessings will come like they always have at the important moments of my life. Its still going to be a struggle but its a struggle I can work on with the understanding I've gained.
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