I don't know

 

Today I'm hurting after having fun online last night. It always seems to happen that way. I have fun. Then I wake up the next day depressed. I feel like crying right now but I can't. Not because I don't want to, my body isn't letting me. 

I look at my life, 51, single, never been married and in a bind financial. No where close to where I imagined myself at 51. Back when I was in my 20s. I imagined being married by my mid 30s, having kids. My tech career would be going well. 

Instead, I had a really terrible relationship at 33 that made me not want to date for a long time. I still ended up in a relationship that I rekindled and should have left alone. So of course it ended bad. After that I just shut down. Financially I worked at several places, none in the area I wanted. One I screwed up my chance at being in the technical group because I took a promotion. I learned a lot from the experience but of course it never lead to anything else but me starting over some where else. I didn't get into my own place until after I went to Columbus Ohio. I thought I was on my way....

Then I got sick, it wasn't easy it was life threatening. My hearts had a liter of fluid around it, I had 3 blood clot. Luck for me my doctor spotted the fluid on an xray he ordered. So sending me to the ER with the xray, I got there. Ended up spending two weeks there, 1 in ICU where I threw the clots. Thank god I was there so they could save me. If I were not in the hospital I could have been like Heavy D or anyone else with clotting that broke away. Its almost certain death. 

With that blessing and my mom bringing me back to Chicago I assumed the caregiver role that has defined my life until Dec 27th 2021 when my mother passed. so from about 2009 to 2021 I was part time working and taking care of mom and granny. Now that they are both gone. I lost. At times I get a glimmer of light and some inspiration but it fade somedays into days like today. Where I feel like getting dressed, packing something in a bookbag and another bag and just walking down the road like David Banner on the Incredible Hulk tv show. Just wandering. 

So that's why I say I don't know. Cause that is where I am today. I'm a rational guy and probably will talk myself out of this. Or have one good conversation with someone. Be out of this downward mood I'm in right now. Bot sides are evenly matched. Who will win?