Core Dump
I just give information which is what I did as the cog and the wheel not the leader at the head of the table. I never like being the face of anything. I always like to be the person that was behind the scenes that was running the engine but I'm by myself so I have to be in front. It's my business so I have to be in front, but I've been fighting it. When I became the president of the Bowen Alumni Association, I fought it. I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to be the face of the association. I just wanted to be a dude that did stuff for people. That's all I am is a person who does stuff for people.
The people that deserve it, the people that need it. I wasn't about trying to be a public face of anything but a mentor and friend told me things that indirectly made me understand that I have to be that face of leadership. That person that says this is me and this is what I do. I ran my Tech services by referral so I didn't really need to go out and advertise and say I'm the best in the industry and I can do this for you. I had other people speaking for me but when those voices cease to exist and I came back to this market. After taking care of my mom and taking care of her last things, I thought that I could go back to doing exactly the same thing that I did before but that doesn't work after 2 years of thinking that all I had to do was tell people that I was here and what I did and that would work but marketing has changed. Marketing is something that you have to put yourself out there for everybody to see. I'm social but I'm more personal. If you sat me in a group of a hundred people to speak my voice would be meek but if you sat me in a room of five people my voice would be strong. I have to get past that because if I am to survive I have to talk to the room of 100 $200 a thousand. A million people tell me that I'm smart and I know what I'm doing. But if I can't get that across to people is useless. There's people who support me and say oh yeah he's great he does this. He does that but I don't get the referral. I don't get the push and that's because they know I'm a nice guy but they can't risk that reputation by promoting me to somebody for work.
In Tech I was always in the bleeding edge. I was always the dude that was pushing to understand new things so it always made me the guru of my circle. I was always the go-to guy. Then at one point technology became easy and a lot of people could do it that couldn't do it before. So now you have to be the most charismatic the most. The best marketer I can say that's where I lacked because I did the job but I wasn't blowing the trumpet for myself. Being at the cafe kind of showed me something it showed me how to put myself out there. I haven't done it quite yet. Dee wants me to get on stage and do comedy. I keep resisting just like I've resisted doing the things that I need to do for my business. I want to do it so bad though what she doesn't know is that I'm always in the mirror of practicing a routine because I'm such a perfectionist. I don't want to get on the stage and just be mediocre. But that's just the fear that's keeping me from doing what I should be doing. I want to be successful so bad but I definitely am not doing the things that I need to be doing. The funny thing is that I've helped plenty of people get to where they needed to be. I met a young lady at a tech conference. She didn't know what she needed to do to make her business successful. She didn't know where to go to get to the people that she needed to talk to at the time. I was dealing with Chambers of Commerce and trying to do things that way and work with those people. So I listened to her and I told her well. Don't you have Chambers of Commerce where you are? She said she didn't know. I said you should look it up so when she did she opened up a door that let her down to path to being successful. One day she posted thanking the people that got her where she was and I was on that list. Y'all don't know. I was balling crying over here because I was happy that I could help her to get where she wanted to be. I've done this for several people. They've always come back to try to see how they can help me but I always refused because if I can help you I should be able to help myself but maybe that's not true. Maybe he has to open myself up to allow people to help me, but then I'm always uncertain how they can and so I end up pushing them away. I can't keep doing that so if you're somebody that wanted to help me in the past and I pushed you away, I'm sorry. I know you were trying to return the favor to me but I just am that guy. That's proud to the point that I got it myself. I'm cool. Thanks and that's because when I asked her other people to help me they refused and they refused in the most horrific ways so it made me angry. That's something that I never told about the whole issue when my mom and grandmother got sick and both passed away when my grandmother was in hospice I called my cousin. I asked her to help me and go see about my mother who I just sent to the hospital in the ambulance. I heard the sigh, then the response. I can't see her like that. I instantaneously got angry but I realized I wasn't going to lash out at my cousin at that point. So I said yeah okay hung up the phone and was resolute on doing this s*** myself f*** it. I don't need to keep asking people. I felt like it was a waste of time so I did it myself. I went back and forth between both of them not telling my grandmother that her daughter is in the hospital. I didn't want her to die with that thought in her mind. So the whole time that I was dealing with both of them. I was angry and upset and I closed off a lot of people, not just the ones that wouldn't help me but the ones that wanted to and this is where it started from. This is where pride turned into angry pride and I said I'll just do this myself. I don't need anybody because don't nobody wants to help me anyway. That's how I felt. I probably still feel like that mostly. I know that there are some friends out here who will help me. They're in their own situation, so I know that I can't expect them to help me every time something happens and I appreciate them when they do come and help me. I know that God puts people in your life when you need it. Somebody recently just contacted me, the wife of a friend, a good friend and she offered to help me with the business I just lingered and was like oh I'll get back to you knowing full well what's going to happen but I'm not sure how I want her to help me and that's the sticking point to me not being able to just accept the help. Their people that I talked to in the past few months that I kind of reached out to for assistance, but they gave me the talk the hey. You should do this situation. I already knew that's what I was supposed to do, but I'm not really looking for that kind of help. I realize that I'm the person who comes into the room and listens and learns and takes those things and moves on with them. So a lot of times I know what I need to do. I just need that friend that's with me. That gives me support. That makes me feel like this is good. You're okay? Cuz I'm a collaborative person. I'm a guy that likes to talk about things. Go over stuff. Remember earlier I told you I was a perfectionist. That's damn true. I'm a dude who does not want to put something out without some Outlook from somebody else and their opinion on it. If this is the good thing some people might look at that as like why. If you know you know just put it out but that's just not me. I'm always looking for my closest friends' opinions, another stopper point in what I'm supposed to be doing. This whole text is just a core dump. It really doesn't have any rhyme or reason. It's just a lot of things that I have in my head and that needs to come out. Some people might say hey. Don't put all your emotions and thoughts and everything on social media, but sometimes this is the only way. I wanted to start groups to where we sit around and talk about what we should be doing in our own lives and talk about it with people that you know and people that you know won't put your stuff out everywhere. I've been in a couple of groups like that. It was only one-off. It never really kept going. I wanted something that was going to keep going so that we could just be around one another in an environment where we eat and have entertainment or whatever. And then we just talk about life. Talk about our businesses. Talk about our relationships cuz sometimes these things don't need to be public knowledge. They don't as much as social media is the vehicle to tell what you need to tell. Sometimes those things no need to be told there. I have somebody right now who's probably reading this and going. Ken why you doing this? I got to because of years of not saying anything has left a void for people to talk about and make a narrative of you. You know where I learned that I learned that as becoming the president of the Bowen Alumni Association I realized that the organization had left such a void that people were talking and saying certain things that weren't true and circulating it amongst the alumni to the point that it became the truth. There's an all-class coming up that Keisha catch organized and we talked to her as the association about supporting her and bringing her into the alumni. But then I realized that she needed to go through this experience on her own like she was planning to do in the first place because in the past we had an all-class where I was inside the know and I knew what was happening on the inside. There were a lot of things going on and it still is going on among the alumni. The one thing is you never can leave a boy because if you do somebody will feel it with what they have to say Rather than the truth, no one's going to ask you. They're just going to assume and say things. So yeah maybe I should stop right now. I know it's been quite a bit. I got to let people absorb who going to read this. Like I said this is a core dump. This is something that I'm just spewing out into the microphone onto this blog. I'm probably not going to edit it so it's probably going to give me some mistakes cuz you know translation sucks like cuz it was like because but you know when you say cars nope that's not it stop. This is funny so I'm probably not going to post this on my Facebook. It's probably going to live right here and I'll probably just link people that I care about in this and some of the people that I talked about in this without saying their names all right y'all
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