Staying in today.

I decided to stay in today because my sinuses are really acting up. They got congested. + When I use my CPAP it exacerbates everything. 

So I'm sitting in my living room in the dark. Try not to let the light hit my eyes. I'm Angry because this is a rainy Tuesday and is a great opportunity to make my money today and rideshare. But I think about others as I think about myself not putting anybody in danger by trying to drive to make money and possibly have some kind of accident because of my sinus headaches and the actual fact that light bothers my eyes. 

Usually when my mom and grandmother were here they pushed me to go see about it. Now that I'm by myself I catch myself trying to deal with things and just push through but that's me normally. That was the me that my mother and grandmother were trying not to allow to flourish. I could always tell by them that that's probably how my grandfather was and every other mail in my family. 

Days like this is challenging because the usual people that I can reach have their own life issues to deal with and can't always drop everything and come see about me. And I really don't expect him to. So most of the time I really don't ask. 

This part of my life is difficult and I know that I can make it through. It's just that days like this. Put a damper on it and make you feel like you can't make it. I know other people who are going through situations of their own and they're going through same thing that I'm through. Job and money issues, trying to sustain what they have, trying to stay mentally fit. 

As I'm doing this my sinuses are starting to clear so hopefully you by this afternoon I'll be feeling better. I think right now I'm just going to try to conduct as much business as possible and get those things out of the way. I hate that I'm not out there trying to make more money because I really need it. Not having that IT job anymore has kind of put things in more of a stressful situation. Now I have to work more hours to get the same amount of money. I wanted to start my business but it seems that all the time that I take the drive. I can't spare the time to work on the business. My only other option is to get employed and that's the issue. That is the biggest. Ageism has really rear this ugly head for me. Being an independent IT contractor for all these years has put me in a position that when a hiring manager sees my resume they immediately think all is this dude that own the business and he's going to come in here and act like he still owns a business. I've actually worked. I actually understand work. I actually understand hierarchy but of course people put generalizations on people and just keep it simple. 

So I'm just going to continue to work and continue to do what I do. It's all I can do. Is what I can control.