I don't know

 

Today I'm hurting after having fun online last night. It always seems to happen that way. I have fun. Then I wake up the next day depressed. I feel like crying right now but I can't. Not because I don't want to, my body isn't letting me. 

I look at my life, 51, single, never been married and in a bind financial. No where close to where I imagined myself at 51. Back when I was in my 20s. I imagined being married by my mid 30s, having kids. My tech career would be going well. 

Instead, I had a really terrible relationship at 33 that made me not want to date for a long time. I still ended up in a relationship that I rekindled and should have left alone. So of course it ended bad. After that I just shut down. Financially I worked at several places, none in the area I wanted. One I screwed up my chance at being in the technical group because I took a promotion. I learned a lot from the experience but of course it never lead to anything else but me starting over some where else. I didn't get into my own place until after I went to Columbus Ohio. I thought I was on my way....

Then I got sick, it wasn't easy it was life threatening. My hearts had a liter of fluid around it, I had 3 blood clot. Luck for me my doctor spotted the fluid on an xray he ordered. So sending me to the ER with the xray, I got there. Ended up spending two weeks there, 1 in ICU where I threw the clots. Thank god I was there so they could save me. If I were not in the hospital I could have been like Heavy D or anyone else with clotting that broke away. Its almost certain death. 

With that blessing and my mom bringing me back to Chicago I assumed the caregiver role that has defined my life until Dec 27th 2021 when my mother passed. so from about 2009 to 2021 I was part time working and taking care of mom and granny. Now that they are both gone. I lost. At times I get a glimmer of light and some inspiration but it fade somedays into days like today. Where I feel like getting dressed, packing something in a bookbag and another bag and just walking down the road like David Banner on the Incredible Hulk tv show. Just wandering. 

So that's why I say I don't know. Cause that is where I am today. I'm a rational guy and probably will talk myself out of this. Or have one good conversation with someone. Be out of this downward mood I'm in right now. Bot sides are evenly matched. Who will win?

Its been a sunny week on the path

Some weeks are cloudy, rainy or muggy, this week it's been sunny. I lot of good things have happened this week which is leading to more things and has built up to this point. Once things turned for the better starting with my therapist helping me get something done at the hospital that needed to be done. A family friend and my plumber calling me after a long while but right on time. Those two things started the ball rolling and I didn't stop there. I know accomplishing small things keeps you in a positive mood and keeps you from falling into the pit of despair because of the larger goal not seeming to move just yet.  

I'm always been a guy that can crush larger goals but smaller ones give me issue. It may sound crazy to some because doing a larger goals are smaller goals that are linked together. That's true. Those goals are easier to deal with. I'm talking about smaller goals that don't link directly to larger one. Ones that will shape a larger goal but not one your actively thinking about or trying to obtain. Health is a larger goal where you sometimes don't see a small thing as effecting it until you either realize it yourself or have a friend of health professional point it out. Even worse something happens to you first before you realized anything. 

This week as my friend and plumber fixed piping issues in the bathroom and kitchen to the larger goal of fixing the house. I looked at the smaller goals of getting into a routine for myself, the one thing I'm horrible at. I can take care of other, give advice but when it comes to me. I have to have my own person driving me to do stuff. Since both my mother and granny have both passed on. I don't really have that 'hard stop" in that department. I have friends that ask or see that I'm in a certain mood or doing something in particular and say something. Right now I don't have a person that will give me that look and say, stop, you need to go do this NOW.  So now I have to listen to an inner voice for that. I believe its still my granny and mom talking to me from the other side LOL. I know its really me internalizing their lessons and I need to listen to that voice like I listened to them

So I have a morning habit, sometimes I break it but I go back and finish it. Old habits die hard. I'm doing it right now. I didn't finish as soon as I finish this I'm going to go back and finish. Sometimes my creative side drives me to do something now while I'm thinking about it. I only create when I'm in the mood. If I tried to write this an hour later after driving myself to do the routine I would have lost the spark and you probably wouldn't hear about any of this. As it wouldn't have flowed and I probably would have edited this into the waste basket. I do understand this and don't get down on myself when i do it. I just go back and finish. I think that's the biggest leap. 

So yeah, This week coming I'm going to keep doing small projects that I can get a win at to keep the positive momentum going. Happy Easter and everyone have a great week ahead. 

 

Some days

 Some days are easier than others. The last few days have been hard physically and emotionally. My foot and lower leg swelling in the evenings are getting to be a real problem. I might wake up the next day normal but as the day goes on it gets worse no matter if I'm busy and on my feet or sitting here in the office doing tech work. I wish I could get an answer other than what my doctor is saying, it sounds so canned. 

Some days my shoulders hurt, other days its my left hip. These cold days are the worse. Makes you think of all the people that retired and went to warmer weather. It might happen for me if cold is an issue. 

Emotionally, I'm still not there. On those bad physical days it seems like the emotions just pile on. On days when its just emotional its like there is a brick wall in front of me stopping me from going where I'm suppose to. 

The craziest thing happened while I was writing this. I got two calls (didn't answer cause they were telemarketers but I checked the voicemail and cleared it. Then I got my Amazon order of Poppi. Wanted to try it out. I like that Strawberry Lemon. So now I'm in a better mood than when I started writing. 

Normally I would toss out this and either write nothing or try to start over. I think I need to stop doing that. I never have anyone understand who I am if I keep editing the story to cut out the bad parts. I guess its been my life. Its the reason people think I'm in a better position than I really am. 

I've always been that guy someone can rely on. Now that I need the help I don't have that same person that can drop everything and come help me. But my granny always taught me to be self-reliant. So partly I don't worry about it until things get really bad. 

I titled this some days, but that was before everything happened and my mood changed. Now I'm freely typing with now problem. Earlier I was struggling to think about what I was going to say. Its my up and down life. Its the life I lead on my own. 

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