Staying in today.

I decided to stay in today because my sinuses are really acting up. They got congested. + When I use my CPAP it exacerbates everything. 

So I'm sitting in my living room in the dark. Try not to let the light hit my eyes. I'm Angry because this is a rainy Tuesday and is a great opportunity to make my money today and rideshare. But I think about others as I think about myself not putting anybody in danger by trying to drive to make money and possibly have some kind of accident because of my sinus headaches and the actual fact that light bothers my eyes. 

Usually when my mom and grandmother were here they pushed me to go see about it. Now that I'm by myself I catch myself trying to deal with things and just push through but that's me normally. That was the me that my mother and grandmother were trying not to allow to flourish. I could always tell by them that that's probably how my grandfather was and every other mail in my family. 

Days like this is challenging because the usual people that I can reach have their own life issues to deal with and can't always drop everything and come see about me. And I really don't expect him to. So most of the time I really don't ask. 

This part of my life is difficult and I know that I can make it through. It's just that days like this. Put a damper on it and make you feel like you can't make it. I know other people who are going through situations of their own and they're going through same thing that I'm through. Job and money issues, trying to sustain what they have, trying to stay mentally fit. 

As I'm doing this my sinuses are starting to clear so hopefully you by this afternoon I'll be feeling better. I think right now I'm just going to try to conduct as much business as possible and get those things out of the way. I hate that I'm not out there trying to make more money because I really need it. Not having that IT job anymore has kind of put things in more of a stressful situation. Now I have to work more hours to get the same amount of money. I wanted to start my business but it seems that all the time that I take the drive. I can't spare the time to work on the business. My only other option is to get employed and that's the issue. That is the biggest. Ageism has really rear this ugly head for me. Being an independent IT contractor for all these years has put me in a position that when a hiring manager sees my resume they immediately think all is this dude that own the business and he's going to come in here and act like he still owns a business. I've actually worked. I actually understand work. I actually understand hierarchy but of course people put generalizations on people and just keep it simple. 

So I'm just going to continue to work and continue to do what I do. It's all I can do. Is what I can control.

Driving the Kennedy (My Rideshare adventure.)

 

As everyone in Chicago knows by now there is a reconstruction going on with the reversible lanes on the Kennedy Expressway. Which is phase 2 of the project. Well, I drove it today going from Addison to downtown as I was taking a passenger to her destination. 

When I started out Waze was directing me down Oak Park Ave to Addison and then to the Kennedy. On the way, Waze had an alternate route. It was so twisty and still ended up on the Kennedy at Diversey I just decided to go to the Kennedy and get on. 

It was really slow going, creeping up the ramp to the expressway. When I got on it was just too jammed packed and I decided to get off at Kimball. Of course, there wasn't an easy way to get somewhere to take me south. I worked around and realized very quickly that every course I could take would end up crossing the Kennedy at some point and getting us back into a traffic jam. So after going to the streets, I got back on the Kennedy at Diversey. Got on, it was better than back where I originally got on at Avondale. So I worked my way to the third lane where traffic was starting to go faster. After about more minutes I made it to her destination. Thanked her for riding with me through the adventure. She thanked me for getting her to her destination.

I left this post in draft. Since that ride, I've been on the Kennedy several more times. I just can't understand how there isn't an effective alternate. It shows how dependent people are on this expressway. If you're going to O'hare from the city, you have to take the expressway in because it's the single access point.  I hope that in the future planners and transit activists can come together to make a better plan for the city. While the activists want a plan with better transit, bike paths, and walkable commercial areas that are easy to get to without the use of a car which could help ease traffic issues in this city. Making it easier to restructure traffic to stop the increase in vehicle use. It makes any industry connected with car use richer but does nothing for the people who have to use it. It leads to this very issue I'm speaking about above which no one wants. 

One day from another year

 

I wake up on April 6th at about 4:45, thinking about driving, its 5:49am, I'm thinking about what is coming in my next year of life. I'm looking forward because of my opportunity at the end of the month. Now I have a broken washing machine. I have to remember to go by that appliance shop on Exchange and ask do the do repairs or do they just sell. Depending on their answer I either get this Maytag washer fixed or I'm going to have to wait longer to get a washer. I need a dryer also since I need to conserve my time. Hanging up things to dry causes more issues than it fixes. 

On that subject I need to work on my wardrobe. Since I was just taking care of mom and granny my normal outfit was jogging pants and t-shirts. Most of my other clothes are so old I'm afraid I'm going to wear those out soon. 

The house needs some fixing, I've documented everything, priced the parts and have to tools. Some of these things I can do myself but that attic window, naw man I don't do heights. 

I'm behind on my bills but I'm choppin away on it. 

Despite all of this I'm going though, I'm looking forward to the middle of the month and beyond. This opportunity will put me in a space where I can handle all of this. I thank all the people that have made this possible. I know nothing in my life happens without help from someone. I've always felt people were put in my life for a purpose, for me to help them, for them to help me or both. It can be directly or indirectly, most people simply call them blessings. For all the hard work I did they are coming.

Do I see the end of the tunnel?

 

I decided to do another blog post tonight while sitting here listing to some mellow jazz. This is the only thing that calms down my cat when she is in heat. It actually is inspiring me. So I might have to do this when I'm working to keep me focused. I have been updating my server in my home lab and working on CloudFlare. 

Next week is April and then the 7th is my birthday. I feel so close to being where I want to be I worked for Techmate for almost a year. I'm hoping I get pulled into this job I'm at. This will unleash me from the financial chains I've been under. 

It will help me afford to stay in the family home, get it fixed, keep my car and allow me to go to New Mexico to check on the land I got from my granny. 

I feel I'm on the crest of doing all I want to do for the rest of my life. I had dreams of starting my IT Business, that isn't dead its been on life support for a few years. With what can happen in April all that can change. 

At first when I got the Kia Forte GT Line, I didn't like the color, Fire Orange. Now I embrace it. I'm going to buy some Garfield and Heathcliff stickers for it. At first I didn't know which one I wanted to name the car. I just call it Orange Kat. 

The House isn't at the point I want anyone to come over. Its why I haven't invited anyone over. I do need some help from the ladies to come by and help me go though my mother's and grandmother's clothes. So I can do one of three things, toss, give away and sell. I haven't got anyone to come help me do that yet and its been 2 years. I have other things to fix and will start to improve. I have a lot of thoughts I want to put into this place and making it mine. When I do, get ready for the yard parties in the summer. 

I use to road trip quite a bit back in the day. Some days when I'm driving Uber or Lyft and get one of those 20+ mile trips that are mostly expressway. I feel that roadtrip itch come back. I'm also a train buff and I will do one or the other to get around. Never really be a plane or a boat guy so I'll leave that to someone else. I can see myself traveling around the midwest and down south in the Forte, that has grown on me as a great road car. Then taking the train to New Mexico and then riding the local trains there. 

Its 10:07 let me go get ready for bed. Gotta be at EBG at 9am for work. I'm getting to the point where I feel like my struggle might have been worth it. 

If you want to catch the mood of me when I was writing this. Play the music I was playing from Youtube when I wrote this.

The Battle Within

I saw a Youtube video on the Dry Creek Wrangler School channel. It's the last place I thought I would see a good video about loneliness. But hey he is a cowboy so maybe I'll get a good tip or two. He said something that blew me away and made me think. 

Click on the image to view video

When he said that I was like, wow, hold up a minute. I thought back through my life. Where I wanted to be, where I could have been, and where I am now. I realized some time ago that I put on a facade when I walk out that door. My grandmother always told me to protect myself by not letting too many people into your inner circle of thought. So I did. Only a handful of people have EVER been in that inner circle. There are people that believe they are there but they aren't. Only a few people know I usually am angry most of the time since I was 33 years old. I'm surprised it doesn't show physically but I cope in my own ways. So from 33 until this year that smiling man in front of you probably was mad underneath. You didn't have anything to fear cause the anger wasn't with anyone else, it was with myself. 

I had goals of having my career in order, well I got sidetracked, but I can deal with that. I wanted to be in a good relationship as I'm not the player player. Well ok, I'm 33 it's ok I got prospects. Then when I thought I had that prospect I told her. She seemed happy. Then she got pregnant, and things flipped instantly. I'm not gonna go through the entire story cause I don't want to relive that again. But it ended with me and her at an abortion clinic. I know I didn't want to be there but I gave her the choice because it was her body and I had no right to tell her she had to have it. 

After it was over I went on my way. It was 3 years later around the same time of the year. My mother walked up to me, looked me in the eyes, and said "STOP!!" I looked at her, "What?". She told me to stop being sad about something I couldn't control. She didn't want the baby and every year since then you get depressed about it, stop, please. She told me to move on and I did. 

Little did I know there was a little angry man still hanging around. Every so often he would come out but I would put him back in the box. Until one day he was out for good and I couldn't put him back. So I started to just be that nice guy, jovial never had a bad thing to say. Inside I was like "Hulk SMASH!" The target wasn't anyone outside it was me. 

It ate at me until I left and moved to Columbus where I stayed with someone. But I knew inside I had to move out quickly. So I told her in one month I'll be in my own place. I lived up to my promise and had my own place. 

At first I was ok, man on my own. I did all the things I needed to do for myself. I had calmed down that little angry man and caged him up. But being in my own place, not really being out and about and making new friends. The little angry man started coming back. This time I got sick, I was in the hospital worried that I might die. The blessing came in the form of Dr Striker, not the one on WGN but her brother who use to work with my mother at Micheal Reese in Chicago. He came in and said to me "Litzsey that's a familiar name". I told him about my mother and her being a nurse. He told me he worked with her. He assured me he was going to take good care of me. He was the cardiologist that was going to do my pericardial. After my procedures, I had a tube in my chest draining the fluid from around my heart and I had something in my neck so they could break any blood clots. My mother came down. After some scary moments, I made it through. I got back home and mom looked at me and told me I wasn't staying here. 

Back to Chicago, I went and everything after that taking care of mom and granny and all I spoke about in another blog post. 

Now they are both gone. The time I took care of them I felt like I was ok. I wasn't. Being alone in this house has sparked the little angry man. I was afraid because this is the first time in my life I didn't have someone around me that knew. I began to get angry at myself because I didn't plan better. I didn't execute things before my mother passed to have me in a better position. She always worried about this and told me. Here I am, closed down business, no job and the choice of selling the house and moving on to God knows what or trying to do something to hang on. I did the latter and decision after decision that didn't go my way feed the little angry man, that man shouted at me. Look how fucked up you are. Look no one cares about you, not a soul has come by to comfort you. You have no real friends you never had. Oh if one more person says I'll pray for you I'm gonna smack them in the mouth!! Fuck them, Fuck you!!!

I was so angry at one point I didn't even leave the house unless I had to. Then when certain people reached out I was in no condition to be around them. I didn't think I would break it. 

Then my little cutie came across the street, walked on my porch and looked around, and chose to be with me. I'm talking about Adora my cat. She dealt with the little angry man at certain points when I caught her doing something, I had to run in my room and shut my door and scream into the pillow. She gave me something to care for. Something that always keeps me grounded. I'm good......naw not yet. 

I might not get angry but I get sad, he is just as bad as the angry man. He puts me in a place where I remember what the angry man shouted at me and reminds me nothing has changed. 

Back to Dwayne from Dry Creek Wrangler School. He said something that I need to take at heart I need to like me. All the goals missed, all the things that happened, the fact that I'm with myself. I have to love and believe in me or nothing else will matter. That little angry man really didn't exist it was my self hatred. The fact that I didn't live up to my lofty goals. Well hell does anyone? I'm just the guy the believed I could and when I didn't I put myself down. It's the reason no friend could really help me. All they could do was advise. Looking out this window I'm still a little mad but I have to use that to get up and do something about it despite how I feel or who is here to help me. I know physically I can't do everything around here but I'll do what I can and I know my blessings will come like they always have at the important moments of my life. Its still going to be a struggle but its a struggle I can work on with the understanding I've gained. 

 

I Care

 

I woke up this morning realizing that yesterday shouldn't have happened. I realized that I'm still grieving, I still feel loss and lastly I'm looking for that next thing to care about. 

 

I've always been a man of service. I took care of my friends, when I had time I spent it not on myself but helping others. I took care of my mom and granny. I could have left home and set out to make a life for myself but I stayed close to home and looks after them. I don't know if they saw it that way. Hell, I don't know if I really understood. I cared for them both until they passed. 

 I care about the school I graduated from and the people that graduated from it. I first got involved with a group of graduates that wanted to connect and bring people together. Later in 2011 I found out their was an alumni association that was formed and attempted to join, hoping that I would bring in everyone and we would have a alumni community that would have fun together and serve together in assisting students from the school and the principal in delivering the best experience for those students. Right now I'm the President of the association. At first it wasn't my choice but as time went on I grew into the position. Now I'm attempting what I wanted to see when I first joined. More participation, a stronger association and to help the students and the principal in any way we can. 

I care about my neighborhood, I went to chamber of commerce meetings in South Shore and South Chicago. I stuck with South Chicago because of the Bowen connection. The South Chicago Chamber is no more but I still try to work with the SSA #5. I also am part of the Bessemer/Schafer Park advisory council. Again the connection to Bowen is one of the reasons I'm part of this PAC and not Rainbow which is closer to me geographically. I have ties with everyone their also. I connect to any project that is in the community. I might no do much in certain places but I want to be in the room and hopefully if I find someone that in interested I can point them in that direction. I want to see a strong community. 

I care about my work. When I came out of college in 2002. I came out right when the dotcom bubble bursted. So with not resources to help me land a tech job I just worked at UPS and did IT on the side. At first it was ok. I really wanted to have a job with a company. As time went on I got attached to working residential and small businesses. I don't know if the feeling was mutual. I had my ups and downs, I had times where I tried to apply for jobs to no avail. So I continued to work my side hustle and work until I made a choice in 2013 that I would go into business. It was great I had clients and now I can make a formal business. I didn't have full understanding about running this as a business but I bootstrapped and had fair success. I wanted to get to a point where I could grow my business and hire. I saw my business as my retirement plan since the previous 13 years were spent in jobs that really didn't have that plain in sight. I cared about my clients taking that extra mile to get this squared away. Sometime my caring was enough sometimes it wasn't depending on who I dealt with. I worked my business until the care of my mother and grandmother superseded it. 

I took care of them until my granny passed in 2018 at 100 years old. It was her choice as she was on dialysis and decided she had enough and was happy to make 100 when she saw other pass from the complications that were far younger than her. When she passed there were people that spoke about her caring. Which I had no idea she was doing. I guess that's half of where i got it from.

I care about my mother as fell ill as my mother was in hospice. What I didn't realized at the time she cared so much for her mother that she sacrificed her own health. She had be suffering for a while and I didn't notice. So when I got her in an ambulance to the hospital. I played the balancing game of dealing with both of them by myself. I reached out to a few people but when they declined to help I just went on with it. 

I shared what happened after that in another blog post (I think?, I write from the heart so much I don't even remember if I don't look back and see the actual post). But anyway, 

After they passed. I spent the year trying to figure out do I want to stay or go. Do I care enough to move on and what is next for me to care about. I spent the entire year thinking about it. Truthfully, I still am and its probably the reason I'm writing right now. I had a emotional blowup yesterday because I'm at this job and I want to learn the processes I need to service the office. I'm having issues crop up and instead of reaching out I clammed up and turned inward. I walked out that office after my shift without a smile on my face and I didn't say goodbye to the staff that are always eating their lunch when I leave. I know they noticed that. I spoke to my onsite contact on how I felt about trying to learn this process and how I want to be helpful in the office. All my emotions from everything I've been through came to the top and I was ready to just leave and not come back. That was a foolish thought but in my head I'm a fuck up and don't deserve to be there. I said shit yesterday I which I could take back. Nothing bad about anyone else but I showed my insecurity on my sleeve. I showed how deserted I felt overall. Something that they never did to me. Damn I wish I could tell my contact I about this but it probably would make things worse. 

I care about my family, my late uncle Maurice got me into looking at my family tree and where I came from. I became interested an reach out to family online after I went to the family reunion. My cousins here in Chicago have always been here, for me I really only see them on occasion, but I helped start the family blog, Facebook group. I wish I had been closer when we were younger I don't know what happened I was just a pedestrian in the situation. Hopefully thing get better on that front.

Sometimes I beat myself up for caring so much. Sometimes I think I should just not care and try to talk myself into it but I just fall back into caring. Because I care and I've been hurt in the past I tend to proactively protect myself, some people call it over reacting. I'm working on that a lot, most of the time I don't respond to certain things right away. To allow my rational thought to take over. Its a process and something I felt I needed to talk about. I'm glad I have friend that protect me. I've had them all my life. Thank you to them for keeping me safe from people who might prey on the fact I care.

What's Next

 

 

I have to make an important decision in my life. I’ve always worked as an independent IT consultant. I started back in 2002. I worked regular jobs until 2011, then I went in full time as a consultant. Then after 4 years, I started to help my mother more with my grandmother until her choice to stop dialysis at age 100. She told us when she made that decision she felt she made it to her goal of making 100 and was satisfied. While my grandmother was in hospice, my mother who I realize in hindsight was having major issues, had to be hospitalized.

At that point I had to completely stop my consulting business there was no time for me to work on everything about that and take care of this. So after months of fighting to get my mother proper care. Of course thanks to people like Tanya for getting me past a really hard situation at the step-down hospital. I got her back home after her stay at the rehab. Now her full-time caregiver there was no IT consulting going on. I worked to take care of the house and her until her passing in Dec 2021.

After which I had more decisions to make. Will I go back into my business or just find work? Since during the pandemic and caring for mom I made absolutely no income. I still had hope I could restart my business as the last job I actually held before the job I had now was an independent transporter job I held until 2011.

So all of 2022 I spent on my own working with help from key my key people, Dawud and Rita, then leaned on my lawyers from LegalShield to make sure I made proper legal steps. They referred me to my probate lawyer who guided me through the process. I did most of my own footwork since I really didn’t have the money to pay my lawyer to have her contracted services do it.

Now its June 2023, and after struggling the first part of the year, getting into every program I could I pulled through and I’m one step away from finishing probate, I got a part-time job and I feel better about my prospects but this is where I had to make my decision. Do I work a part-time job and try to reopen my business or do I just work? Being 52 years old and restarting my business is far different than when I originally started this. Not only my age but the pandemic and the economic situation changed the way people spend their money. I have tried to market myself and try to start the business over but with all my new responsibilities and no backup like I had, it seems like I have no dedicated time for it. I would get someone to do it for me but with no real money to speak of how would I pay them? It's not like before when someone will work off the prospect of making it, they want cash now.

So now I’m not saying I won’t fix someone’s computer, printer, or network but I feel like unless I get help either with partners or financial help I will just be spinning my wheels and risk putting myself back in the situation I was in at the beginning of this year.

Getting work is hard, I applied to jobs all of 2022 with few interviews. A lot of the positions I saw on job boards like Indeed and Glassdoor would go in and out of being posted. I called them ghost jobs. Why? Because I found out through a business contact that some companies post jobs to raise their investor value. So investor confidence would be high, they would believe the company was growing and its value was still good. That’s why in early 2023 they were saying jobs were at this high but on the street people still were unemployed. But let me not go down that rabbit hole.

As I’m writing this now I believe I have to get full-time work to survive but I promise you my optimist side will take over at any given moment and start telling you I’m back in business. Once you work for yourself that drive to be that is hard to get rid of. So if you have some tech work for me to hesitate to call me, but I’m in survival mode right now and the only way I’ll make it past August is to make more money. August is the month that I start to pay the mortgage. Right now I make barely enough to do what I need now. With that 1300 dollar addition in August, I will be right back in my early 2023 situation. It's the reason why I have to make this decision to work over my entrepreneurial dreams.